I'll Follow You Into The Dark
by MikhailColferCriss
Summary: Following Kurt as he comes out as trans (ftm) to his friends and family, meets Blaine and faces the most trying struggle of his life so far. Blaine wants to help but Kurt just parties harder and pushes him away. Will he be able to tell Blaine the truth? Skank!Kurt Trans!Kurt... Klaine is strong... CW: Gender Dysphoria, Disordered Eating, Depression, alcohol and drugs, bullying, SH
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so this is my first fic in a long, long time... And my first ever Glee fic. I wrote this because I love Kurt and Baine's relationship, and also because I always aspired to be like Kurt. As I am trans ftm (and in the closet, sort of...) this is not that easy ;D. I've had to deal with a lot of similar things to Kurt in high school, and I wanted to rewrite parts of his story with this twist, mostly for myself. And then I figured I might as well share it. I hope you enjoy this!**

 **following Kurt Hummel as he comes out as trans (ftm) to him friends and family, meets Blaine and faces the most trying struggle of his life so far. Will he be able to tell Blaine what he is going through and will Blaine be able to help? Trans!Kurt... Klaine is strong... CW: Gender Dysphoria, Disordered Eating, Depression.**

Daisy slumped in his seat, hearing the words drift across the choir room to him. It had been one hell of a long day and this was honestly not what he needed. As much as he loved Mr Schue's inventive lesson planning, he always hated the weeks where they had to split genders, it reminded him of just how isolated he felt. He felt it every time he was shopping with Carol for new clothes and he got led over to the women's changing rooms, every time he had to use the rest room in public places, every time one of his teachers referred to him as "Miss Hummel." It never felt right. Every time he heard those words he wanted to cry, because he wasn't a woman. His body told him he was but his heart felt so out of place there, in that chest, that overly heavy chest. He had never been able to think about himself as a "she" or a "her," it just didn't seem to fit. Unluckily everyone else still did. They could never seem to look past his chest or his high voice or his name. That name that he hated. Daisy. He loved his mother and missed her like crazy but honestly, why did she have to go and call him Daisy?

From a few seats away, he saw Finn glance at him, worried. Finn was the only person he felt he could talk to about this, and since they had to share a room for a while it was pretty hard to hide the fact that something was going on. When they first sat down to talk about it, Daisy hadn't known what "transgender" meant, or about gender dysphoria, or that it really wasn't that uncommon. All he knew is that he was afraid and alone and felt like he didn't know who he was anymore. At first Finn had looked at him blankly while he talked, mouth slightly open and brows furrowed in confusion. "When I think about myself, I think about a boy. I don't think about... Me... It's always been like that, and I don't have a problem with it. It's just that when I look down at my body, or see myself in the mirror, I don't recognise myself. I can't see myself and I know that no one else can too. And most of the time I can forget, but then I hear someone say my name or refer to me as a girl and it comes back and hits me. And I feel like I can't do this anymore Finn. I can't keep living split into two halves. It hurts too much and I can't control it, I don't know what's wrong with me." After a moment Finn's eyes cleared and he pulled Daisy over to the computer. Tumblr. Of course, Finn's solution was to go on Tumblr. At first Daisy rolled his eyes but then he saw all of the post from different guys who were transitioning from female to male who felt exactly like he did and his breath hitched in his throat. "See this- you're not alone bro. There's nothing wrong with you, it's gonna be okay." Daisy had never felt more gratitude in any moment then he did then towards Finn. Tears rolling from his eyes he clutched his soon to be brother close. "Thank you, Finn. Thank you so much."

Honestly both he and Finn thought that Mr Schue would have been more sensitive considering the fact that other than Daisy and Finn, he was the only other person who knew. He didn't know like Finn did, after all, he had never meant to say anything at all, it just sort of... Slipped out.

A WEEK AGO.

As much as he was used to the bullying, this time it felt different. Something about Karofsky made her feel it was personal, and that terrified him. He had been walking down the corridor when he had felt her bag being pulled off his shoulder and used to slam him against the lockers, his phone sliding out of his grip and landing on the floor. There was barely had time to register his face staring down at him before red slushie clouded his vision. His knees buckled and he slipped down the lockers, where he felt a kick land against his side, not hard enough to bruise.

"Fucking homo."

Knowing they had gone he started trying to wipe the liquid out of his eyes, still slightly in shock from the cold, but gentle hands took his.

"D are you okay? Come on let's get you cleaned up."

Mr Schue helped him up and grabbed his stuff from the floor, leading him into the staff room, which was luckily empty. He led him over to the sink and grabbed a cloth to start cleaning his top. Instinctively he took his hand and stopped him.

"It's okay, I can do it Mr Schue, thanks though..."

He grimaced a bit looking embarrassed.

"Sorry yeah I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I always think of you as one of the guys, forget you're actually a girl. Oh crap no just forget I said that, I'm sorry I didn't mean..."

He laughed as he dug himself a deeper hole and he relaxed when he saw he didn't take it to heart. Suddenly his heart felt heavier in his chest as she looked at his teacher, a desperate longing for someone to understand. Without letting himself back down he quickly blurted out the words.

"Maybe you forget because I'm not, you know... One of the girls."

He regretted it instantly, deciding to focus very hard on scrubbing his red stained shirt.

"Daisy..."

"Please. Don't call me that."

He put a hand on his student's arm.

"What do you want me to call you?"

"Kurt, is Kurt okay?"

When he looked up, he saw that Mr Schue was smiling broadly at him.

"Kurt is great."

PRESENT DAY

Looking down, Kurt slunk over to the girls and sat down. So far he hadn't plucked up the courage to talk to the rest of the Glee club about his being transgender, he doubted most of them would know what it meant. A voice from behind him made him jump.

"Kurt. With the boys."

Heart pounding in his chest he picked up his bag and went to sit with the guys on the other side of the room. As he did, he felt Finn clap him on the back.

"Kurt... I like the name! Wait a second... Have you talked to your dad about this bro?"

In rehearsals so far, all of his ideas for the mash up had been shot down, he was really starting to fear that he would never fit in with the guys. He was worried that they still saw him as a girl, especially since he was still trying to be subtle, being in the closet, so when they suggested he go and spy at Dalton he was very surprised.

At home he pulled his best binder out of his drawer and pulled it down over his head, if he was going to do this, he needed to do it right. He had told his dad when he ordered it online that he needed it for cosplays, but since he never went to any conventions, he doubted Burt believed him. After that he pulled on a shirt and jacket that was as close to the Warbler's colours as he could manage and slunk downstairs. To his surprise, his dad was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hey kid, wow. You look... Dapper..."

"Thanks, dad. Hair gel."

They both laughed for a second and then Burt beckoned him over.

"There's something you've been meaning to tell me isn't there? Finn is an awful liar you know. I mean I wish you had come to talk to me about all of this, instead of one of your teachers. I mean if you're gonna be my son I'd like to be the first to know about it!" Kurt couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"I can't say I fully understand, I mean this is going to take some getting used to... I mean if I'm honest I was always sort of expecting you to come out as a lesbian but... You still had that huge crush on David Bowie... I guess that should have clued me in a bit... I'm rambling aren't I? Okay, well what I'm trying to say it that... As much as I wish we could have talked about this first, I'm not going to reject you because of this, that would be stupid. And you look great, and I love the name. Kurt, it's a good one, I might have even chosen it myself if I knew I was going to have a boy. And I love you, Kurt. I want you to know that." By the end of his speech tears had begun to fill his eyes, as well as his son's. Without delay, Kurt flung his arms around his dad, who patted him on the back before pulling away and smiling at him.

"Now go on, Kiddo, you don't want to be late!"

"Thanks dad, I love you too."

As soon as he got out the door, Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Finn's number.

"Hey man what's up?"

"What the hell Finn! You said you wouldn't tell my dad!"

"Woah woah hold on a minute! I may have... Accidentally referred to you as Kurt in front of your dad, but I thought I covered up pretty well... Okay no I didn't. But I didn't say anything about it and neither did he. Kind of thought he already knew kid."

"So do you..."

"Think he was waiting for you to come out? Yeah I do. As soon as you told me, it kind of made sense, for Mr Schue and the glee kids as well. He's your dad, of course he knew, probably before you did, Kurt."

"Oh... Oh. Well, in that case, I'm sorry for the... Overreaction."

"You gay kids, always so dramatic."

"Hey! You can't just stereotype like that Finn it's not cool!"

"Yes! I knew you were gay!"

"Okay that's not fair."

"See you later bro!"

With that Finn hung up.

When he arrived at Dalton Kurt was amazed at how big it was. At first he took a few minutes to look around, honestly wishing he could transfer here, just to be way from Karofsky. He was just looking up through a glass dome when suddenly the corridor started bustling around him. Confused, he walked down the spiral staircase, before calling out to someone near to him as he got near the bottom.

"Excuse me, um... Can I ask you a question? I'm new here." The boy who turned around was surprisingly cute. He wore a little too much hair gel for Kurt's liking but his eyes were so kind, as they latched onto Kurt's, he held out his hand.

"My names Blaine." Kurt opened his mouth slightly, surprised. Only them did he realise that a little part of him was still expecting the first person who looked at him to yell "imposter, imposter!" Or "you're a girl." Or one of the gross nicknames that Karofsky had developed over time. But he didn't, he just smiled. Now knowing what else to do, Kurt smiled back and shook his hand.

"Kurt... So what exactly is going on?" He looked around, indicating the mass of students. Blaine acted surprised, as if he ought to know already.

"The Warblers, every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. Tends to shut the school down for a while." It took a minute for Kurt to process what Blaine had just said. I mean the One Directions had started food fights by doing impromptu performances before.

"So wait the glee club here is kind of cool?" Blaine now looked entirely dumbfounded.

"The warblers are like rock stars! Come on!" With no warning, Blaine grabbed Kurt's hand. He could his heart speed up instantly.

"I know a short cut."

Holding tight to Kurt's hand, Blaine ran with him through the corridors of Dalton, and Kurt could just hear himself thinking "No. No. You cannot fall in love with him!" Running with Blaine filled Kurt with pure adrenaline, he couldn't help but grin wildly. When they arrived at a large pair of double doors, Kurt once again found himself feeling oddly isolated.

"Woah I stick out like a sore thumb." He wasn't expecting Blaine to hear him but his reply filled him with hope.

"Well next time don't forget your jacket new kid, you'll fit right in." Blaine smiled and aCtually winked at him, Kurt didn't think anyone did that outside of movies. He was so busy thinking to himself "yeah... My jacket and my dick..." That he almost didn't notice as Blaine moved to become the soloist of the Warblers.

 _"You think I'm pretty_

 _Without any makeup on_

 _You think I'm funny_

 _When I tell the punchline wrong_

 _I know you get me_

 _So I let my walls come down, down_

 _Before you met me_

 _I was alright but things_

 _Were kinda heavy_

 _You brought me to life_

 _Now every February_

 _You'll be my Valentine, Valentine"_

As Blaine sang, his eyes locked onto Kurt's and he could see the vulnerability hiding below his smile. This boy was afraid, and he definitely was not a Dalton student. He felt like that song was their song, just in that moment. This strange, quiet boy who swayed softly to the song seemed like he could be nothing but a dream.

 _"My heart stops_

 _When you look at me_

 _Just one touch_

 _Now baby I believe_

 _This is real_

 _So take a chance and_

 _Don't ever look back,_

 _Don't ever look back"_

He knew that Kurt needed help, and a part of him wanted desperately to be the one to provide it.

 **Okay so this was my first chapter... Please let me know what you think! It's gonna start taking off pretty soon and possibly move away from the canon more, but we'll see... Hope you enjoyed, it would mean a lot if you left a review...**

 **Mikhail xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I hoped you all enjoyed the last chapter. This one is of course, dedicated to our beautiful Bowie, who has left the earth feeling from his loss. He has given an immeasurable wealth to music, art and also to the queer community and to anyone who had to fight to express themselves. I don't know who I would be without him, but I feel I would be a lot more lost.**

 **Content Warning: bullying, hints at eating disorders**.

When Kurt walked back into school the next day, all he could think of was the cute boy in the blazer he had met on the stairs at Dalton. It really had seemed like he had been singing that song to him, and part of him couldn't help but fantasise about really being his teenage dream. Not in a creepy way, he wasn't really thinking about having sex with him, just someone actually liking him would be a start. He was so caught up in his image of Blaine that he didn't notice the liquid moving towards him until it was drenching his front, leaving him standing frozen in shock. He looked down slowly, expecting to see red ice, only to find something much worse. He had been covered in water, making his white tee shirt completely see through, sticking to his body.

A thick terror filled his throat, choking him. It was like being stuck in a nightmare, he had the surreal feeling that time had slowed down. Karofsky stood in front of him, staring down at his chest and laughing. Mortified, Kurt desperately tried to stop his binder showing with his arms, but it was too late, everyone had already seen.

"Wow. Look what we have here! Real little tranny aren't you? What does D stand for anyway? Daisy or Dyke. No wonder no one wants you looking at you now. Bulges in allll the wrong places. Freak."

The last word was punctuate with a sharp shove and a laugh. Kurt glanced around him, searching desperately for some way out of this. He had started to panic and people were stopping walking to watch the scene unfold. Feeling his breathing start to speed up, he took a few steps backwards, preparing to run. To his surprise he heard a voice behind him, saving him from the humiliation of having people witness him flee in tears.

"Right! Move it along, nothing to see! Not you porcelain! In my office, now."

Strong hands took his shoulders, guiding him quickly through the corridor as his feet stumbled a little bit. Sue closed all of the blinds over the windows, giving them privacy. The moment he was on the other side of her door, he stopped holding in the tears, sliding down to the floor. His breath came in short, stunted pants, it felt like there were hands around his throat choking him.

Try as he might, he couldn't stop his body from shuddering or the tears streaming from his eyes. He tried to hide his head in his hands to stop her from seeing, but he knew that wasn't possible and his embarrassment made it even harder to stop the hysteria from taking over. He expected Sue to shake him or yell at him or try and hug him or something, but she just sat and waited for him to calm down. When she thought he was over the worst of it, she crouched down in front of him.

"Daisy, can you hear me?" He nodded.

"Okay can you breathe with me? Slowly, in, hold, breathe out." She did this until he had managed to get his breathing under control, and then she led him over to one of the chairs, taking a towel out from a drawer in her desk and passing it to him so he could dry of. She gave him a few more minutes to breathe before talking, which he was grateful for. He didn't know why Sue was being kind to him but he was in no state to refuse help.

"Are you going to tell me what is going on, or do I have to take you to Figgins?" After a few breathy sobs he looked up at her, wet hair dangling in his eyes.

"It's too much. I can't do this anymore Coach. I'm so scared just to be here and... I can't." She nodded slowly but didn't look satisfied.

"I'm not going to pretend to be ignorant, Porcelain, I know that you're wearing a binder and I have to ask you, are you transgender?" The question caught him off guard, but he suddenly realised that he couldn't stand to lie anymore and it all came out.

"Yeah, yes I am. I've always known really, I just didn't realise it was real for the longest time. I walk down the corridors everyday, getting passed over and covered in slushy but if I'm honest that's nowhere near as hard as hearing my friends call me Daisy. But Karofsky is different, I

This feels bigger somehow, I don't know. But I feel so alone in this, my friends and Mr Schue know but I don't want to only be myself in front of a few people. I want to just be, without having to think about it all the time. And today when everyone saw, it was too much. I can't stay here, not with Karofsky. Please Coach I don't know how much longer I can stand it." She nodded slowly and passed him a Cheerios hoodie so he could cover himself up.

"Okay let's see. I can't do anything about Karofsky kid, I'm truly sorry. Not for pushing you or dumping water on you, there's no proof. He can say he tripped. What I can do is make the school aware of your situation and have your name changed on the register, if you want? I can also make sure I'm around to keep an eye on Karofsky. I know it's not everything but it's a start. I also want you to go and see Miss Pillsbury. I know I don't usually bother with Doe Face, her eyes freak me out, I mean it's like having two bowls rolling around at you, but I really think that you should talk to somebody about the anxiety this is causing you. How does that sound?" Kurt smiled at her softly. This was the first really help he'd been offered.

"Kurt, my name is Kurt. Can I really put that on the register? Use the name?"

"I don't see why there would be a problem." Kurt stood up and awkwardly handed back the towel before thanking her and leaving. He considered going to Glee but he honestly just wanted to go home. This Cheerios jumper seriously didn't suit him, ad he wanted to sort out his hair properly before going to meet the Warblers for coffee.

He walked quietly out of the building, grateful for the blissfully empty corridors. As he reached the door he saw one of the weird rich kids walking past. He took one cigarette out of his packet then dropped the rest on the floor. Usually Kurt might have shouted after him about littering but today, he was too tired to question the weird behaviour. Instead he just picked up the packet and sat on the wall. He had never smoked before, but he was surprised at how easily it came for him. The first time he inhaled the smoke it seared in his throat, making him grimace at the heat, but he got used to it faster than he could have thought possibly, soon he was taking deep drags, gradually feeling his nerves settle. All to quickly it burned down to the filter and he dropped the butt, grinding it out with his heel. Man, he loved those shoes. He wasn't sure what had prompted him to do any of what he just did, but he realised with a start that he had really enjoyed it, giving into his impulses a little. When he stood up he felt the nicotine rush making him dizzy and tried not to let it show as he began to make his way home.

At home he got some weird looks about the hoodie, but instead of questioning him, Carol just informed him that there would be pasta and cream sauce for dinner. With no warning, he heard Karofsky's voice in his head, muttering quietly "bulges in all the wrong places." And following quick on its heels, his own voice, speaking out loud.

"Thanks, Carol, but I'm going out to meet some friends for food."

She smiled at him before letting him go upstairs to get dressed. She couldn't know that was a lie. When he got upstairs he locked his bedroom door and let the tears fall from his eyes. This time it wasn't because he was afraid or panicking, this time the tears were silent and left him feeling like somebody had a hand clenched around his heart. He walked over to his floor length mirror, he hesitantly pulled off each of his items of clothing until he stood in only his boxer shorts. The tears were falling strong now, as his hands roamed his body, tugging at every inch of extra fat. In his head, he tried to imagine what Blaine would think if he ever touched him and got to know his body. Desperate to see some good in front of him, Kurt stretched one of his arms over his head and ran his hand over his rib cage. In his head, Karofsky laughed "no wonder no one wants you." He wanted to yell at Karofsky, tell him he was nothing but a bully, but all he could think was that he was right. If Blaine ever saw him without his layers, he would be disgusted, he would just laugh, just like Karofsky had.

Almost unconsciously, he heard his own voice slipping out from between his lips, echoing painfully as tears rolled thickly down his cheeks.

" _Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth_

 _You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your_

 _cigarette_

 _The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget_

 _Ohhh, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide_

 _You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it_

 _And the clock waits so patiently on your song_

 _You walk past a cafe but you don't eat when you've lived_

 _too long_

 _Oh, no, no, no, you're a rock 'n' roll suciide_

 _Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road_

 _But the day breaks instead so you hurry home_

 _Don't let the sun blast your shadow_

 _Don't let the milk float ride your mind_

 _You're so natural - religiously unkind_

 _Oh no love! you're not alone_

 _You're watching yourself but you're too unfair_

 _You got your head all tangled up but if I could only make you care_

 _Oh no love! you're not alone_

 _No matter what or who you've been_

 _No matter when or where you've seen_

 _All the knives seem to lacerate your brain_

 _I've had my share, I'll help you with the pain_

 _You're not alone"_

Kurt shook himself, he needed to get ready to go out.

Blaine wasn't sure what to expect from the boy he had asked to coffee, but he honestly felt that this boy would always manage to surprise him. He has offered to buy him food, since it was a long drive to Dalton and it was likely he had missed a meal on the drive over, but he politely declined and sat opposite with his hands wrapped around his non-fat mocha. There was something about his smile that made his heart flutter softly, wanting to reach his hand across to him. Of course he restrained himself, he had a strange feeling that Kurt would recoil. It was too soon in their friendship for Blaine to ask for details about his life at school, but there was one moment where it was very difficult to stop himself fro, doing just that. He wanted to hold Kurt in his arms and take him away from there. When he saw tears filing his eyes, his fluttering heart turned cold, freezing in his throat. Blaine quietly asked the other two boys to leave, feeling that he owed it somehow to this boy to help him as entirely as he could.

"There's this Neanderthal who's been making it his mission to make my life a living hell."

As Kurt spoke, anger flashed in his eyes. It was clear that he wanted to give in, but he hadn't yet, it was possible even that he couldn't. He was strong, stronger than Blaine was, and he knew that with the right push he could be able to make a real difference. He gave him the chance to run, of course. But even as he offered Dalton as an option, it was set in his mind what the other boy would choose to do.

"You can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt."

After he left, Blaine sat alone for the longest time, images replaying in his mind of his friend's grin turn to fear as yells and fists sprang out from the darkness. He knew that Kurt's standing up to his bullies could go one of two ways and he could only pray that somebody at that school was looking out for him.

"Hey Kurt, who were you out seeing?"

"On no one Dad, a new friend. We got salmon salad and coffee." The second the words slipped from his lips, he felt the shame clinging thick to his throat. He couldn't believe that he was lying to his father about a salad.

"Oh that's nice. Got all your work done kid?" Kurt sighed, quietly relieved at the opportunity to head to his room.

"No not yet, I've also got something to work on for Glee rehearsal tomorrow. See you later!"

Burt Hummel smiled at his son and allowed him to leave. As much as he acted casually about it, he was really happy to hear that Kurt had met someone new, maybe even a guy... A guy he might be interested in? Of course, it was too early to know, but he worried sometimes that the kid was lonely. Almost before he heard Kurt's door shut upstairs, his clear, young voice started ringing through the house. It brought a chuckle to his lips, the kid had always been a huge Bowie fan.

"Alright guys, so I know that we're mainly doing group work this week, but Kurt wanted to show you something that he's prepared so... The floor's all yours buddy!"

Kurt walked up to the front, smiling nervously at all of his friends before taking a deep breath.

"The past few days have been very eventful for me and I feel like now is the time to take a step back, and actually explain what is happening. Because I know that words have been lacking recently. For a long time now, I've know that I'm not the person you all thought I was, Daisy. I've known I wasn't a butch girl with a cute name, or the school Lesbian. Which is sort of ironic really, since as it turns out, I'm still the resident gay, only I'm the resident gay man. I'm transgender. From now on, I'd like to be known as Kurt, and for you to refer to me with male pronouns. I understand that this is a lot to process, and I appreciate all the support you've shown me already. Particularly you, Finn, I couldn't have hoped for a better brother. As David Bowie would say- I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring." Part of him wanted to back down, say it was all a phase and to forget about it, but saw three faces looking back at him in his mind and he steeled himself.

First was Finn, the pride in his eyes when Kurt finally understood, the grin as he joined the boy's team. Next was Blaine, reminding him that he wasn't a victim, then there was Bowie, his idol, makeup glinting, voice sounding strong in his mind. "Oh no love, you're not alone." And he started to sing.

" _You've got you're mother in a whirl,_

 _Cause she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl._

 _Hey babe, your hair's alright._

Hey babe, let's go outtonight.

You like me, and I like it all

We like dancing and we look divine

You love bands when they're playing hard

You want more and you want it fast

They put you down, they say I'm wrong

You tacky thing, you put them on

Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress

Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess

Rebel Rebel, how could they know?

 _Hot tramp, I love you so!"_

Tears glistened in his ears as the whole room stood to applaud him, wide smiles on their faces. Not a single one of them had turned away from him.

 **So I hope this was alright, please leave a review if you had the time, you know I would love that! Next chapter will be up when it can be, in the meantime, have fun and listen to glam rock xxx**

 **RIP Starman.**

 **Mikhail xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**So yeah... Next chapter, a lot sooner than the last one... Sorry if it's not great, I really wanted to start getting this story up... I know where I'm going with with and I can't wait to see it finished... I hope you're all enjoying the story! Let me know what you think :)**

Kurt could feel the eyes on him as he walked through the corridors the next morning, but he wasn't going to let himself be the victim. Ripped jeans and leather was a new look for him, he knew that, but he was sick of being so Goddamn weak, relying on other people to stick up for him. He had decided to be his own man, just for once. Almost as if on cue, his phone buzzed in his pocket.

 **Blaine:**

 **COURAGE.**

He let the smile flit across his lips, but too soon, the illusion of safety was broken. The phone flew from his hands as he felt the locker connect with his side. "Prejudice is just ignorance." He turned to see Karofsky walking away from him towards the locker rooms.

"Hey! I am talking to you!" Karofsky didn't turn around. Kurt had a feeling that his next words honestly weren't meant to hurt him but it honestly made him even more angry.

"Girl's locker room is next door." Not letting the pain in his chest slow him down, he stalked towards Karofsky. He tried to remember what Blaine had said. Maybe if he could just get David to think about it then he could life some of the ignorance around him.

"What is your problem? Excuse me? What are you so scared of?" Karofsky didn't even pause to consider before answering.

"Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?" Kurt rolled his eyes at that.

"Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you." For a moment Karofsky looked confused by that.

"Well guess what, ham hock? You're not my type? That right? Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're 30." Their faces were very close now, each of their breath's coming in short pants with the anger that was stealing it from them.

"Don't push me Hummel." Kurt felt victory stirring in him, but he was too mad to slow down.

"You going to hit me? Do it!" Looking back later, he knew that he should have been paying more attention to the effect his words were having.

"Don't push me!"

"Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!" Karofsky was getting seriously upset by this point, but Kurt was too wound up to notice.

"I said get out of my face!"

"You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!" And then it happened. Dave's hands were on his face and his mouth was on his, encompassing it so fully he couldn't even breathe. He felt himself smash into the locker behind him because of the force with which Dave let him go. He stumbled for a moment I shock before he saw Karofsky moved towards him again, making Kurt flinch away from him. He slammed the locker next to his head and stormed out. He couldn't believe it. All this, because he had a crush on him? Maybe that's why he was so worked up over the idea that Kurt might be a lesbian? It just didn't make sense to him, how could someone be so cruel. The thought that hit him next made a choked tear fall from his eye. His first kiss had made him into a victim of sexual assault.

Struggling for breath, Kurt walked swiftly out of the doors and sat on the wall, pulling his cigarettes out of his pocket and slipping one into his mouth, lighting it and taking a deep drag. He felt the relief rush through him and he pulled his phone out of his pocket. There were a few missed calls as well as a text.

 **Mercedes:**

 **Hey Kurt, haven't seen you at lunch all week, what's up?**

He ignore the text and went into his contacts, calling Blaine. Part of him hoped the other boy wouldn't pick up, but no such luck.

" _Hey Kurt! How are you!"_ Kurt didn't mean to blurt it out, but he couldn't help himself.

"He kissed me. Dave Karofsky kissed me. We... We were yelling at each other and suddenly he just grabbed me and kissed me... Then he slammed a locker and stormed out... I, I don't know what to do!" He heard Blaine inhale on the other end of the phone before his spoke.

" _Well are you interested I him?"_

"What? Oh god no! I don't think he's really interested in me either, I think it was more of anger thing... That's not why I'm calling. I just, I think he might be gay, or at least bisexual. I mean, I should help him right? I just... I don't know how to talk to him." He closed his eyes tight, waiting for a response, and took a long drag on his cigarette before exhaling.

 _"... Are you smoking?"_

"What. Oh, uh... Yeah."

" _Oh... Well, um... I'm actually in Lima right now, I have a cousin here... I could come by the school and help you talk to him_?"

"Really? That would be amazing! Meet me by the gates?"

" _Twenty minutes, see you then._ " After Kurt hung up, he used the still lit butt of his cig to light another one, deciding to keep going for a little while instead of going to lessons.

After a few minutes, Quinn Farbray sat next to him, her bright hair standing out against the black of her clothes.

"You know if you're waiting for a hot date, that's not going to make you feel any less nervous." She calmly held out a small flask to him.

"I'll trade you, one of those for some of this?" Before he could think about it, he held out the pack for her to take and she slipped the Jack into his hands in return. They sat for about ten minutes like that, drinking and smoking and laughing like they'd known each other forever. When they saw Blaine walking around the corner, she took back the flask and smiled knowingly before standing and walking away. He stunned out his cigarette with the heel of his boot and got up to meet Blaine.

"Hey you!" Blaine almost smiled, but not quite.

"You stink of cigarettes and alcohol. It's school hours, Kurt, what's wrong with you?" Kurt rolled his eye and started walking towards the building, almost pissed off that Blaine had suddenly started judging him.

After the first comment the two of them got on as well as they had the last time they had talked. Confronting David didn't exactly go swimmingly, but it seemed as if it could go alright, up until he managed to say the one thing that could have made Kurt Hummel snap.

"You really are like a delicate flower, stop being so fucking fragile, Daisy!" Before he could register what was happening, Kurt had him pinned to the mesh with an arm in front of his neck.

"Call me that one more time and I will fucking end you Karofsky." His voice was low and quiet and his eyes cold. Dave didn't doubt for a second that it was true. Blaine jumped in, pulling him off.

"Stop!" Karofsky pulled at his jacket, trying to look as though nothing had happened before walking off.

"Kurt! What the hell was that? Seriously what's wrong with you!?" Kurt yanked his arm out of Blaine's grip, still angry at everyone around him.

"I don't knew what you're talking about."

"You don't? Really!? So... Smoking, drinking, assaulting people over nothing more than a stupid pet name? That you now? Are you going to try and tell me that the Kurt I met at Dalton wasn't real, that it was just an act?" Kurt's heart throbbed, but didn't want this boy's pity.

"Yes" Blaine took a careful step towards, taking Kurt's hand in his.

"I don't believe you." Slowly, Kurt raised Blaine's hand to his mouth, kissing it softly but passionately, more passionately than he should have done in public, his tongue taking less than a second to dance over Blaine's knuckles before he pulled his lips away. He felt a shiver go through Blaine's entire body and he raised his eyes to meet him, smiling coyly.

"I was spying on you. Fucking with you. Having fun." Blaine dropped his hand, Almost recoiling, the hurt in his eyes evident.

"That seems to be the only thing you care about. Having fun."

"Yeah pretty much." Kurt didn't know why it was so easy for him to act so coldly to Blaine, who he truly liked, but once he started he found it almost impossible to stop. He didn't want Blaine to stick around long enough to see the truth of how ugly he was, so maybe it would be better to cut him loose before he had the chance to get under Kurt's skin.

"Well if I'm honest. I think I preferred the act." Blaine's eyes were narrowed at him, disgusted, as he walked away. Anger swelling though him, Kurt felt his fist colliding with the wall beside him. The Jack he had drank with Quinn took the edge of it, and he felt himself moving towards the choir room for Glee club.

As soon as he got in, Mr Schue sensed there was something on his mind and asked him to sing. He walked into the middle of the room, his hands curling around the mic in front of him. He saw Finn's eyes pop open at the sight of his mangled hand, but he don't stop him. Kurt took a deep breath and then let everything out with the song.

" _With your feet on the air and your head on the ground_

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Way out in the water_

See it swimmin'

 _I was swimmin' in the Caribbean_

Animals were hiding behind the rock

Except the little fish

But they told me, he swears

Tryin' to talk to me, to me, to me.

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Way out in the water_

See it swimmin'

 _With your feet on the air and your head on the ground_

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse

If there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Where is my mind?_

 _Way out in the water_

See it swimmin'

 _Oh_

With your feet on the air and your head on the ground

Oh

Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Oh

 _Oh"_

 **Okay, so there it is! I'm sorry for Kurt being all aggressive, I hope you don't stop loving him... I promise that this is going somewhere! Review if you have the time :)**

 **Mikhail xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, the beginning of this chapter isn't my favourite, and I feel like the last one was too rushed... But it's just because I'm looking forward to later chapters... I hope that you like where this is going, or that you're exited to find out. Please a review if you have the time, it's always nice to hear what you think. Also, at the end of the fic I'll leave a list of all the songs used... Enjoy**

 **CW: ED tendencies, depression, alcohol, MAJOR WARNING- SELF HARM**

 **Xxx**

Quinn Fabray sat on her bed, looking at her price of art with contentment.

"Pink most definitely is your colour." Kurt looked in her full length mirror, admiring the streaks of dye running through his hair. He looked like a different person. They had died the majority of it black, save for the soft colours running through the front, and Quinn had taught him how to use eyeliner.

"Thanks, Q." She smiled and tugged on a beanie.

"Come on porcelain, we'd better head off." They each grabbed their bags and headed out the door towards McKinley, but not before Quinn filled up her flask with something from her parent's liquor cabinet. As they walked into the school, cigarettes in hand, they were stopped by none other than Will Schuester.

"Oh come on, guys. You've gotta be kidding me. Kurt, you smell like Whiskey, that's not cool." Quinn just looked at him smirking, but Kurt rolled his eyes and took a final drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out.

"Sorry sir, gotta run. Don't wanna be late for lesson." Quinn laughed at that and pulled Kurt towards his locker. She told him that he should probably attend French, but that she'd meet him at the bleachers afterwards, and walked off in the other direction. As he deposited his books in his locker, he heard a voice next to him.

"You tell anyone else what happened? How you-you kissed me?" Kurt rolled his eyes. The guy really was pathetic.

"You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you so no, I haven't told anyone."

"Good. You keep it that way." Suddenly Dave was closer to him and Kurt was painfully aware of his height and build.

"Cause if you do, I'm gonna kill you."

Kurt's blood froze, his eyes staring at nothing as Karofsky walked away. Suddenly he didn't feel like going to French anymore. He flinched as he felt a hand on his shoulder, snapping him out of it.

"Dude, are you okay? I heard what that guy said you you, what's going on?" It was Puck. Kurt regained his composure and pulled out a cigarette, screw attendance.

"Nothing. It's cool. Smoke?" They both went outside and sat on the wall, not talking. Puck pulled out a flask from, his pocket, slightly bigger than Quinn's, and an idea struck him.

"Hey Puck. If you give me that I won't tell your probation worker about you drinking illegally obtained alcohol on school grounds." Puck laughed.

"Bro that's not cool! I did not know you played dirty!" Kurt slipped the flask into his bag and took another long drag, as he exhaled, a figure appeared in front of him. It was Sue Sylvester.

"Porcelain. What the hell do you think you're doing? Both of you are coming with me to Figgins' office and kid, I'm going to call your father." Both of them sighed in defeat before getting up and following Sue through the halls.

It was a tense meeting, to say the least. The first thing Burt Hummel said when he arrived was

"Kurt, what did you do to your hair?" Then he started ranting about the dangers of smoking. Kurt blanked it out mostly, distracted by Puck's smug grin and occasional chuckle. When finally he had calmed down enough to take a seat, Mr Figgins started talking.

"Puck, you know that smoking on school grounds is against policy, why must we go through this time after time? And bringing Mrs Hummel into your delinquency will not help! If anything it will make things worse. You know what could happen if I had to suspend you!" Kurt spoke up, surprising himself.

"Actually it was me who offered Puck a cigarette not the other way around. He's been trying to quit, I'm just not very helpful." His tone was smooth, sarcastic and made everyone look at him, not quite knowing what to say. Puck was the only one to speak.

"Also it's Mr Hummel." The two smiled at each other. Through the glass of Figgins' office, Kurt saw Karofsky raise a limp wrist at him. Puck bolted out of his seat and through the door before Kurt could stop him. When Kurt, his father and the others reached him, he had Karofsky pinned to the wall by his neck.

"You think I'm going to let you treat my boy Kurt like that? Huh? I heard what you said to him, if you lay one finger on him I'll-" he was cut off by Kurt's hands pulling him back.

"Puck, don't! He's not worth it!" Burt looked at them all in confusion. He saw the anger in Puck's face, the fear in Karofsky's and the plea in Kurt's and realised suddenly that his son had been keeping something from him.

"What is going on here?" Kurt looked away from his dad, not wanting the answer to be known.

"Kurt, tell him. Or I will."

"Puck, don't." Karofsky looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"This douchebag has been harassing Kurt for months. Shoving him, giving him constant slushy facials, humiliating him... Today he took it too far. Mr Figgins I know I'm not a model student but please, Kurt isn't safe here if he doesn't leave." He put a hand on Kurt's shoulder, squeezing gently.

"Mr Puckerman, what do you mean, when you said he took things too far?" For a moment nobody spoke. Puck looked at Kurt, who finally drew his eyes away from Karofsky.

"He threatened to kill me." Burt's face went slack.

"What?"

"He threatened to kill me if I told..." Karofsky's head bolted up, terrified.

"Told what?"

"Just that he'd been bullying me." They all went quiet as Figgins looked at the boys.

"Mr Karofsky, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Immediately. I will call in you and your parents for a meeting tomorrow, but I expect that you will be suspended." Karofsky walked away, looking shell shocked. He hadn't spoken a word the entire time, only stared at Kurt. Sue put a hand on his shoulder, she clearly hadn't forgotten the recent incident in the corridor. Figgins then turned to Puck and Kurt.

"In the light of today's events, I am going to forget your discrepancies for now. You may continue with your days. Tomorrow I want you both to see Ms Pillsbury for a leaflet on quitting smoking."

They all walked out of the office and Burt glanced over at Puck.

"Um, I'll save you a seat in Glee." Once he had left, Kurt finally turned to face his father, who suddenly embraced him in a huge hug. Once he had released him, he took a moment before talking.

"What's going on with you kid? Why did you keep all this from me? Death threats, pink hair, smoking... This isn't all because of that Puckerman guy is it?" Kurt laughed.

"No it's not. You really think I'm that easily manipulated?" Burt laughed as well.

"Okay fair point, I just don't want you to screw up your chances of getting into college and out of this shithole. You deserve better than this place!" He smiled at his son, who nodded at him before turning to walk towards the choir room.

"See you later dad."

"See you later son." The words made his heart warm, he couldn't believe he had been so lucky to have Burt as his father, someone who actually accepted him.

When he got into his room later that night, he sat on his bed and pulled out the hip flask he had taken from Puck, before taking a few gulps and shuddering at the burn in his throat. Getting up, he went to stand in front of the mirror. From downstairs he heard a call for dinner, his stomach aches with the lack of food, it had been at least 24 hours and even then he hadn't finished half of his meal. Before going downstairs, he looked at himself once more in the mirror and realised he couldn't do it.

"I... I had a big lunch... I'm not hungry just yet, I'll heat some up later." His father acknowledged this and Kurt was left with his thoughts again. It took him a few minutes to finish the flask and already his head had started to spin. He looked at his body, had he lost weight? Gained it? He didn't know. Tears came quickly, rolling down his face in hot streams and catching in his aching throat. It was at that moment that his phone rang.

"H... Hello?"

 _"Kurt? It's Blaine. I just wanted to... Kurt are you crying?"_

"What? No. I'm fine. Go on, why are you calling? To award me an Emmy?"

 _"No, I... I really wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was mad at you, I was just... I can't know what you're going through right now and if cigarettes and hair dye will help then I just have to be down with that. So if it's okay, I'd really like to see you again."_

"What's the point? I'd probably turn up smelling of cigarettes, maybe hit something... Fuck up my knuckle on another fucking wall. It's not like you were wrong. I'm shit company."

 _"You're not shit company, I really like you. What do you mean about your hand, did you...?_ "

"Oh yeah... I wass kinda pissed when you left. Issnot too bad."

 _"Fuck. Kurt, I'm really sorry."_

"Issfine, Ima fuck up anywayss." The alcohol was really starting to get to him and Blaine noticed.

 _"Have you been drinking? You know what it doesn't matter, you're not a fuck up... Can you sing to me Kurt?_ " Jeez why couldn't this guy just piss off, he was ruining the buzz.

"Ssshure beautiful...

 _Nice guys finish last_

You're running out of gas

Your sympathy will get you left behind

Sometimes you're at your best, when you feel the worst

 _Do you feel washed up, like piss going down the drain_ -" Blaine hung up.

Kurt let the phone fall out of his hand and crawled over to his drawers, pulling out an old skarf that had gone out of fashion a while ago. Inside the folded up fabric were a pair of scissors that he used to use to cut his hair but had since repurposed. As he drew the blade across his wrist he felt his mind go numb. He acknowledged his hand shaking with the pressure of holding the scissors, and the blood that was beginning to fall droplets and run across his white skin. He felt the pain in his arm, but he also felt the euphoria that each cut brought, just for a split second. And then it all came flooding back. He reached for his phone again, breath coming fast and hitching in sobs. He didn't know what made him dial the number... Alcohol? Pain? Or maybe he was just tired of acting.

"B-Blaine? I'm sorry. Please Blaine. P-please talk to me."

" _Kurt? What's your problem?"_ He couldn't hold in anything anymore, it was too much.

"I don't know Blaine, I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm lying to everyone I know. I... I just can't get up everyday and see myself in the mirror anymore, I can't do it. I want everything to be numb but I can't, I can't find a way."

" _Kurt what do you mean? You're scaring me."_

"Blaine please. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you."

" _No, don't hang up. I need to know you're okay._ "

"I'm not okay. There's blood on my tee shirt and vodka makes me want to throw up."

" _Blood? Kurt did you hurt somebody? Did you..."_

"It's fine."

 _"Is there anything I can do? I could come over? Help you sober up?"_

"No, that's okay. I don't want my dad to see me right now. C-can you... Can I sing for you? I promise I won't fuck up this time?" As he sang to Blaine, he could hear his voice breaking with emotion that he didn't yet understand.

" _I'm a honeybee, breaking your heart, broke mine enough to kill me._

 _I let you feel my sting before my last bittersweet moments of flying._

I thought I heard you say something about being undeserving,

but this time not of a Love so great, but of a pain inflicted so selfishly.

 _I think that you deserve some form of apology._

So here I am, and here it is. I'm sorry.

 _You were the balloon that drifted from the flock into my window._

But you slipped right through my fingers that grew too tiresome to hold you.

I watched you float away, watched as it turned into desperate longing.

This time not for some drastic change, but for the string that was made to be held by me.

 _I think that you deserve some form of apology._

So here I am, once again, I'm sorry.

 _I don't even want you back._

No, I would never want to risk something like that.

'Cause I lost faith in myself,

when I turned away from the one with the longest stretch of embracing arms to hold, to hold, to hold me.

So now I'm all alone.

'Cause God grew too tired to fix the mistakes he made with Love.

I think his biggest mistake was making me.

 _I think that you deserve some form of apology._

 _So here I am, at the end, I'm sorry."_

The next day he was surprised to see Karofsky walking the corridors again. He frowned and kept walking, glad not to be noticed. It was then that Sue called him into her office.

"Porcelain, take a seat." She couldn't seem to look him in the eye.

"It seems that Dave's father has gone above out heads to the cool board. They say that with no evidence, he can't be suspended. I'm so sorry Kurt, truly I am." He nodded slowly, knowing it had been too good to be true. Sue asked him if there was anything that she could do, but he shook his head.

"I have to fight this battle myself, I can't let myself be the victim. But thank you for trying to help me, it hasn't gone unnoticed of unappreciated." She smiled sadly and he turned and walked away. The rest of the day went by in a sort of blur. He went and got a pamphlet about quitting smoking, and sat reading it as he finished a pack of cigarettes. That made him laugh a little, hollow laughter. God, when did he become so bitter? As he was walking towards the choir room, he realised that he hadn't seen Puck or Quinn all day, which he was surprised to find felt odd to him. When he entered the room he saw why, they had clearly been preparing a song.

"Kurt, I heard about Dave, if you need anything you can talk to me, okay?" It was Mr Schue. He nodded and sat down, knowing full well that he wouldn't talk to him. He looked at Puck and Quinn, who were looking at each other and talking quietly, and realised that he really did hope they could work things out and stay close to their daughter. They were much better people than anyone thought.

"Hey bro, we wanted to sing something for you. Mainly cause it's a cool song and Blondie rocks, but also because we thought the lyrics might make you laugh a bit. I know that things have been really rough recently, with your coming out, Dave being a knob, high school, and all the things in your life that I'm sure you don't want us to know about... And I guess we just wanted to remind you that we think about you, and we think you rock just as much as Debbie Harry, and that you are allowed to have fun. And the reason that I'm saying in that is because Quinn and I are taking you out tonight, and you are going to enjoy yourself no matter what, because I really want to see you smile again dude. So yeah, if you wanna party come sing with us bro. I really hope you do."

As the music started, Kurt was surprised to realise that he did know the song, it was one that his mother had on Vinyl when he was a kid.

[ _Quinn_ , **Puck** , _**Quinn**_ _**and Puck**_ , Kurt, _Kurt and Quinn_ , **_all three_** ]

" _ **Die young, stay pretty**_

 _ **Die young, stay pretty**_

 _Deteriorate in your own time (_ **Deteriorate in your own time.)**

Tell 'em you're dead and wither away

 **Are you living alone or with your family?**

A dried up twig on your family tree?

 **Are you waiting for the reaper to arrive?**

Or just to die by the hand of love?

 **Love for youth, love for youth**

 _ **So, die young and stay pretty**_

 **Leave only the best behind**

Slipping sensibilities

 **Tragedy in your own dream"**

To his surprise, Kurt found himself smiling and getting up to join them.

" _Oh, you sit all alone in your rocking chair_

Transistor pressed against an ear

 _Were you waiting at the bus stop all your life?_

Or just to die by the hand of love?

 _ **Love for youth, love for youth**_

So live fast 'cause it won't last

 _ **Die young, stay pretty**_

 _ **Die young, stay pretty**_

 _Dearly near senility_ **(dearly near senility)**

Was it good or maybe you won't tell?

 ** _Die young, stay pretty_**

 ** _Die young, stay pretty_** "

 **Okay so I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please leave a review with any thoughts! What do you think of Blaine and Kurt's friendship so far? I know I haven't gone too far in depth or shown much from Blaine's side... I swear I will soon!**

 **Mikhail xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, so this chapter is going to be... Dramatic... BTW There's going to be some Sebastian, which I wasn't expecting but it sort of happened... I hope you all like it!**

 **CW: Drugs, Alcohol, Mentions of SH**

 **Xxx**

When Kurt first arrived at the address Quinn had given him, he wasn't sure he hag the right place, but then he saw Puck leaning on the wall with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, clearly having trouble with his lighter. The building looked more or less like an empty warehouse that no one had kept an eye on, coloured lights blaring from every window. If this had been the Kurt of a few months ago, he would have shied away in horror, but the new Kurt cared a lot less. The new Kurt had also been drinking his dad's whiskey on the way over, which probably had something to do with it. He walked over to Puck and leant on the wall beside him, holding out his lighter, before they both walked in together.

His world was enveloped in colour, images and people blurring together and laughter blurring in with music. The next day when he woke up, he found himself on a sofa that smelt faintly of urine, with a long, slim body draped across him and Quinn's head resting on his side. His head was swimming, so he let it fall back to the arm of the sofa. When his eyes had drifted shut, he tried to remember what had happened the night before.

He could remember a girl with blue hair slipping a drink into his hand, sharing cigarettes with Puck, someone wearing weird dungarees rolling him a joint, a cute, drunk guy dragging him onto the dance floor and... Oh... Pulling a pill case out of his pocket. The last thing in his mind was Quinn dragging him onto a makeshift stage that honestly just looked like a few slabs of concrete with someone's amp on it and a few mic stands. He groaned quietly, hoping that it hadn't really happened. Quinn had reached forwards and pulled Puck, the girl with the blue hair (who Kurt had seen her making out with earlier) and the cute boy onto the stage and then skipped back and sat behind a drum kit. Puck picked up a guitar and the blue haired girl a bass. He was laughing, and the other boy, who Kurt thought might be called Sebastian, helped him grab onto the mic stand for support. They started playing and the two boys were both relieved to realise they knew the song.

[ **Sebastian** , _Kurt_ , **_Both_** ]

" **Load up on guns, bring your friends**

 **It's fun to lose and to pretend**

 _She's over bored and self assured_

 _Oh no, I know a dirty word_

 _Hello, hello, hello, how low?_

 **Hello, Hello, Hello, how low?**

 _Hello, hello, hello, how low?_

 _ **Hello, hello, hello!**_

 _ **With the lights out, it's less dangerous**_

 _ **Here we are now, entertain us**_

 _ **I feel stupid and contagious**_

 _ **Here we are now, entertain us**_

 **A mulatto**

 _An albino_

 **A mosquito**

 _My libido_

 _ **Yeah, hey, yay**_

 _I'm worse at what I do best_

 _And for this gift I feel blessed_

 **Our little group has always been**

 **And always will until the end**

 _Hello, hello, hello, how low?_

 **Hello, Hello, Hello, how low?**

 _Hello, hello, hello, how low?_

 _ **Hello, hello, hello!**_

 _With the lights out,_ **it's less dangerous**

 _Here we are now,_ **entertain us**

 _I feel stupid_ **and contagious**

 _Here we are now,_ **entertain us**

 _A mulatto_

 **An albino**

 _A mosquito_

 **My libido**

 ** _Yeah, hey, yay_**

 **And I forget just why I taste**

 **Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile**

 _I found it hard, it's hard to find_

 _Oh well, whatever, never mind_

 _ **Hello, hello, hello, how low?**_

 _ **Hello, Hello, Hello, how low?**_

 _ **Hello, hello, hello, how low?**_

 _ **Hello, hello, hello!**_

 _ **With the lights out, it's less dangerous**_

 _ **Here we are now, entertain us**_

 _ **I feel stupid and contagious**_

 _ **Here we are now, entertain us**_

 _A mulatto_

 **An albino**

 _A mosquito_

 **My libido**

 _ **A denial!**_

 _ **A denial!**_

 _ **A denial!**_

 _ **A denial!**_

 _ **A denial!"**_

Kurt was snapped out of his mind by Sebastian shifting slightly, making him realise just how intertwined their bodies were. Breath coming fast, he shifted from underneath Sebastian and stood up. Quinn and the boy both woke up and looked up at him.

"Fuck, Kurt, hey. You're fine, it's all fine, we're at Seb's house."

"I feel like someone went swimming in my brain." Sebastian smiled up at him groggily.

"Hey cutie." Quinn rolled her eyes at them and started repairing her eyeliner.

"Wait... Did we...?" He frowned slightly, the smile not fading from his lips.

"Um... I don't know... Quinn?" She scoffed

"Not a fucking clue. Look boys, I'm going to get out of here, see you in school Kurt." She walked out of the door and Kurt's blanched. School. He went and sat on the sofa and Sebastian straddled him. He was too drunk still to protest, but he still wasn't sure he wanted him there. Seeing Kurt's uncomfortable face, he bent to whisper in his ear.

"Don't worry, I already know. We... Did. I remember, sorry that you don't. You were good! Now we need to get you ready for school." Kurt laughed a bit at how ridiculous the situation was and he felt Sebastian's mouth on his and his hips moving slightly. It brought back memories of his back against a cold wall and his legs wrapped around the other boy's waist. He lost himself in the image for a moment, remembering his finger's laced through Sebastian's hair and lips on his neck, sucking gently. It took a lot of effort to bring himself back.

"Okay, I remember..." They both laughed a bit and Sebastian reached into Kurt's jacket pocket, pulling out kohl eyeliner. He tilted Kurt's chin up and started to apply it, looking into his eyes and taking the laugh away from his lips.

"It's okay, I know this is a one time thing." Kurt, looked down, guiltily acknowledging that he didn't want it to be anything more.

"But while you're here, can I kiss you again?" Kurt nodded slowly and watched a

Sebastian lean forward to meet him. He felt his arms pulling him closer and then on top of him, lying back on the sofa. The feeling of their bodies so close was strange at first, but comforting. He brought up one leg, snaking it around Sebastian's, and he felt his moan against his mouth.

"Kurt, we can't." He pulled back, clearly not wanting to. Taking Kurt's hand, he pulled him towards the kitchen, where he proceeded to grab glasses and ingredients.

"What are you making?"

"Bloody Marys." Kurt nodded and took the glass when it was passed to him and drinking it quickly. When he was done, Sebastian handed him his bag and jacket.

"Okay, now there's one more thing." Kurt watched as he pulled a small, oddly familiar vial from his pocket, containing a white substance. Kurt knew all too well what it was, but didn't hesitate in holding out his hand.

Later that day, when he walked into the choir room, he felt all eyes on him. It was like they knew, he started tapping his foot nervously, they had probably all been talking about him and Sebastian all day. Quinn sat next to him and kicked his foot to get him to stop.

"Kurt look at me." He turned his face to her and she suddenly looked angry. She knew.

"Mr Schue, could I sing something" she didn't wait for an answer before getting up on stage and looking across the room at him.

"Kurt, this is for you. I made the wrong call yesterday, telling you to let loose. You don't. You need to stop. This is a step too far.

 _Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem_

Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top shelf

It's alarming honestly how charming she can be

Fooling everyone, telling them she's having fun

 _She says, "You don't want to be like me_

Don't wanna see all the things I've seen."

I'm dying, I'm dying

She says, "You don't want to get this way

Famous and dumb at an early age."

Lying, I'm lying

 _The boys, the girls, they all like Carmen_

She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes

She laughs like God, her mind's like a diamond

Audio tune lies, she's still shining

Like lightning, ohh, white lightning

 _Carmen, Carmen, staying up til morning_

Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean

It's alarming truly how disarming you can be

Eating soft ice cream

Coney Island Queen

 _She says, "You don't want to be like me_

Looking for fun, getting high for free."

I'm dying, I'm dying

She says, "You don't want to get this way

Street walk at night, and a star by day."

It's tiring, tiring

 _The boys, the girls, they all like Carmen_

She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes

She laughs like God, her mind's like a diamond

Audio tune lies, she's still shining

Like lightning, ohh, white lightning

 _Baby's all dressed up with nowhere to go_

That's the little story of the girl you know

Relying on the kindness of strangers

Tying cherry knots, smiling, doing party favors

Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on

Sing your song, song, now the camera's on

And you're alive again

 _The boys, the girls, they all like Carmen_

She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes

She laughs like God, her mind's like a diamond

Audio tune lies, she's still shining

Like lightning, ohh, white lightning

 _Like lightning, ohh, white lightning_

 _Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem_

 _Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top shelf"_

WhenQuinn had stopped singing, Kurt stood up and stalked out of the room, feeling agitated ams humiliated. He wasn't surprised when he heard her following him. When they got into the corridor he rounded on her.

"I don't have a fucking problem Quinn, I'm not a fucking alcoholic, so what was that? Also, singing a song about a girl to me, not cool." She didn't say anything, just pinned him against the lockers and started rooting through his pockets. When she found what she was looking for she pulled it out, holding it in front of his face. The near-empty vial.

"You think I wouldn't notice, Hummel? Please. You've been high as a fucking kite all day." He was ready to fight back before a voice down the hall stopped him.

"Kurt?" Quinn's grip slackened and he pushed her off. She glared at him before storming off, pausing next to Blaine to shove the vial into his hand. She wasn't going to let this go anytime soon. Blaine looked down at the object in his hand before rising his eyes to meet Kurt. His face was expressionless, but his eyes betrayed the pain he was clearly in.

"Did... Sebastian... Tell you he attends Dalton?" Kurt shut his eyes, turning away. Inwardly he was screaming, he really hadn't wanted Blaine to find out.

"Because it was really great hearing all about your drunken sexual encounters second hand. Him fucking you against a wall, you giving him a really amazing blowjob outside. I mean to give you some credit, he says you were so drunk that you struggled to remember it, but then again he also said you were really ducking happy to see him this morning. Did he tell you that you have hickies all down your neck? Oh and before you ask, no I really don't want to hear how you payed for this." He held up the vial, clearly very pissed off.

"What do you want me to say Blaine? I never pretended to be a good person. But I'm not a crack whore if that's what you're getting at." He spat out the words, turning on him.

"You know what I think Kurt? I think you need to transfer. I think you're scared and you are doing whatever you can to try and run away from the fact that you have bruises all over your back from trying to walk down these corridors. Yes, Sebastian told me about that, too. He doesn't know we're friends. He sounded worried about you, which is amazing because he doesn't care about anyone. I want to help you and I hate to see you hurting, but balancing Gin with coke to try and make it through a school day isn't a solution." Against his own will, Kurt felt hot tears falling from his eyes and he fell into Blaine's arms, shaking.

"I gave away my virginity to a guy I don't even like. What's wrong with me?" Blaine's heart nearly stopped at the childlike quality to Kurt's voice and he held him tighter, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing in the scent of Kurt, only to realise it was hidden behind the smell of cigarettes, vodka and weed.

"Nothing, Kurt. There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to get out of this place. Now can I drive you home? I'm actually here because your dad called me on your cell. You left it at home and he's worried about you." Kurt nodded and let Blaine take his hand and lead him outside.

Back at Kurt's house, Blaine kissed him on the cheek before whispering one word in his ear-

"Courage."

With the feeling of Blaine's lips lingering on his cheek he got out of the car and went inside to talk to his father. He found him sat at the kitchen table. He wanted to apologise to his dad for dropping off the radar, but he knew that if he didn't ask soon, that courage that Blaine had given him would fade fast. So before he could stop himself, he blurted it out.

"Dad, I think it would be best if I transferred. I've given it a lot of thought, and I honestly don't think I can stay at McKinley anymore. I would do anything to get out of that place, and honestly, I already do. I'm sorry I didn't come home last night, I had a bit too much to drink and didn't want you tee see me like that. Karofsky is back in the school and I can't stay there if he's going to." His father looked at him, not betraying anything.

"Son, if this is what you have to do to try and escape that place, then I agree." Kurt was confused for a moment, but then he saw what was lying on the table in front of him. It was all of his razor blades.

 **So... Hope you enjoyed! How is Burt going to react to this? How will Kurt take his secret being found out? If Kurt is planning to transfer to Dalton (no guarantees, I will spoil nothing) how will he keep his secrets from Blaine? Let me know if you liked it! The next chapter will be up soon! I know I haven't focused on the fact he's trans much, but it will become important later on!**

 **Mikhail xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, so this chapter is a lot more Klaine heavy than previous ones... I was not expecting it, but the story has a life of its own sometimes... I know I always forget to a disclaimer so I am doing one now- I do not own Glee or any of its characters, nor do I own any of the songs used in this fiction, barring "Sunset Highway" which is written by me...**

 **Okay! I hope you enjoy, leave a review if you have time!**

 **CW: mentions of SH, gender dysphoria, drug use, alcohol, hints at disordered eating.**

Kurt took a step forwards, staring at the table.

"Please, dad, I can explain. I this isn't what it looks like." Burt didn't say anything, he just stood and walked towards His son, reaching out to pull him into a tight hug. Kurt's body was stubborn for a few seconds, before he weakened and grabbed onto his fathers shirt, sobbing into his front.

"Kid, you smell disgusting." Kurt laughed a little in between choked sons and Burt released him, walking over to the sofa and sitting him down.

"I've set up an appointment at Dalton to see the headmaster, but if this is going to be worth it, I need to know everything that you haven't been telling me Kurt. Since you came out at school you've been so distant, I know you've been smoking, is there anything else?" Kurt took a deep breath and and looked up at his father.

"Karofsky is beating on me but secretly likes me, he kissed me, it was pretty gross. Since then he hasn't let up. He had a lot of things about my body and I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I just can't shake it. Every time I look at myself, or think about eating, all I can hear is his voice in my head telling me that nobody wants me, and I know I'm not eating properly but I can't control it anymore. I started cutting to distract from it, it's like a release. For the same reason I started smoking, and drinking through everyday, and taking drugs." He watched as dis father's face turned to horror before him.

"I can't face seeing myself in the mirror everyday dad. I look at myself and all I can see is that I'll never be good enough. My weight makes me look like a girl and I'm too weak to do what I need to do about it. I feel like no one is ever going to love me! I mean really, who is there? A gay man that doesn't mind me not having a dick and looking like a prepubescent girl? I push away everyone who actually cares about me. I don't think I'm a good person, dad! I can't remember the last time I talked to Rachel, and Finn helped me so much when I was trying to figure out who I was, and I just replaced him with liquor and cocaine. And then there's Blaine, whose put up with so much shit from me." He could feel the tears filling his eyes, making his face go slightly pink, but he couldn't stop talking now what he was thinking about Blaine.

"I would get mad at him, punch walls, swear, insult him, get drunk when we were supposed to be hanging out, and he'd still be there whenever he thought I might need him. You know he turned up at school today, fully aware of what I'd done, and just held me and them brought me here to talk to you. I'm terrified he's suddenly going to realise how worthless I am and then I'll really be alone." Burt moved closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"You're high aren't you?" Kurt nodded and Burt sighed.

"Don't think for one second that I'm going to forget about you taking cocaine and spending my money on cigarettes, but I don't think right now is the moment for that conversation. This guy, Blaine, do you love him?" Kurt closed his eyes for a moment before nodding again.

"But I did something awful and he knows it."

"What did you do kid?" Kurt took another deep breath, he wasn't enjoying one bit of this conversation.

"Last night I got very drunk and took a lot of drugs, and I had sex with this guy, Sebastian, but I don't remember it that well. I woke up with him this morning, he's the one who gave me the coke. He was telling Blaine about it, in detail. He probably thinks I have absolutely no self respect."

"I don't think so. I think he'll think you have no self respect because you starve yourself and smoke too much. Kurt, you're an amazing guy, but you're going through something right now that you clearly are not dealing with very well. As far as you looking like a girl, that's all nonsense- you are afraid, but you are beautiful, and there is someone out there who is going to love you for everything you are, and think that you are completely perfect. That person will be there for you when you fuck up, even if that includes cocaine and forgettable sex. Though I really hope you used protection." Kurt laughed and hugged his dad. In that moment he was so happy that this was his father.

"I'm going to call Blaine." Burt patted his back and Kurt send a message to Blaine.

 **Kurt:**

 **Hey, can I call you? I really want to talk to you. Xo**

 **Blaine:**

 **Actually... I parked around the corner in case you needed me... We could go to the park?**

Kurt grinned when he read the text, Blaine was the sweetest guy in the world.

 **Kurt:**

 **Great :D I'll come and meet you.**

When he met Blaine, his face was all smiles, forgetting all about his desheveled hair and black tear tracks. Blaine reached out his arm and slipped it through Kurt's leading him to go and get ice cream and sit underneath the trees in the park. They laughed and talked about menial things for a while, Vogue, Madonnas's new single, their favourite Queen songs. After a while they fell silent and Blaine grinned, lying back on the grass and pulling Kurt with him. They looked up at the sky through the trees and in a moment of confidence, Kurt reached out, taking Blaine's hand in his. His heart was throbbing in his chest, he was both thrilled to be close to him and terrified of being rejected. After what felt like forever, he felt Blaine's hand slide out of his and the panicked thought ran through him that he was going to pull away, but instead he shuffled closer and leant his head on Kurt's chest.

"M tired Kurt..." Kurt laughed softly, looking down at Blaine's sleepy smile and twirling one of his escaped curls with his fingers.

"You should sleep more." Blaine sighed, nearly asleep, moving his hand to rest on Kurt's chest. A bolt of panic ran though Kurt again, fearing that he would notice that his chest wasn't exactly flat, but Blaine didn't seem to notice.

"M always worried you'll need me." The words brought tears to his eyes, but Blaine was already asleep.

About an hour later, they were both woken up by Kurt's phone ringing.

"Hi dad... Sorry, we fell asleep in the park..." Burt laughed on the other end and told them to come home for tea before hanging up. Kurt and Blaine smiled at each other, realising they had curled up very close on the ground, Their arms wrapped around each other's waists and shoulders, legs entangled. Blaine looked up at the sky, which had turned an amazing shade of purple.

"I had the strangest dream." Kurt smiled at him, seeing the content in his eyes.

"And I had the most perfect day, Kurt. I've never seen you so relaxed, I've really missed not being afraid of you." His smile dropped, heart freezing in his throat.

"Blaine, I'm so sorry. I know I've fucked up, and I can't promise I won't again, but I want you to know I'm really sorry." At this he started crying, wanting to say more but unable to. He sat up, turning away from Blaine, but he moved closer again, putting his head on Kurt's shoulder and murmuring soft reassurances in his ear. After Kurt's breathing had slowed a little, Blaine started singing quietly.

" _Just a perfect day_

Drink sangria in the park

And then later, when it gets dark

We go home

 _Oh, it's such a perfect day_

I'm glad I spent it with you

Oh, such a perfect day

You just keep me hanging on

You just keep me hanging on

 _Just a perfect day_

Problems all left alone

Weekenders on our own

 _It's such fun_ "

Kurt looked up at him, all vulnerability and sky-blue eyes, and let his voice finish the song. It felt strange to let it's old softness return, even for a moment, and he could see hope blossoming in Blaine's eyes.

" _Just a perfect day_

You made me forget myself

I thought I was someone else

Someone good

 _Oh, it's such a perfect day_

I'm glad I spent it with you

Oh, such a perfect day

You just keep me hanging on

 _You just keep me hanging on"_

Blaine's eyes shine like nothing he had ever seen before, reminding him of goldstone and amber, glistening under moonlight. There were tears shining in them, making his lower eyelids stick together and gleam a little, but his smile was so wide that Kurt knew it wasn't out of sadness. He wished he was strong enough to tear his eyes away from the sight, but he was afraid that If he looked at anything else, even for a moment, he would be missing out. That's when he understood. He had been in love with Blaine from the moment he took his hand on that stairway in Dalton, and he would probably be in love with him for the rest of his life. Suddenly he realised that Blaine had spoken, but he had been to distracted by the sound of his voice to register the words.

"What was that sorry?" Blaine smiled even broader, his eyes softening with fondness.

"I said your voice is beautiful." Kurt blushed deeply, wishing his skin wasn't so painfully pale.

"You're beautiful." He could see that the words took Blaine by surprise, but instead of saying anything, he took Kurt by the hand and pulled him to his feet, not letting go. They held onto each other tightly as they walked back to Blaine's car, As much as he really wanted to stay for dinner, he was already late home, but before leaving, he placed a gentle kiss on Kurt's forehead and slipped his hand into the back pocket of his jeans. When he had recovered enough from his daze to check, he found that his vial was gone.

The next day, Kurt found himself walking in a daze through the corridors in Dalton, not able to register anything around him. He wanted a cigarette badly, but he worried his hands would be shaking too much for him to light one. There was a voice that he was following, soft and soothing like honey and all too familiar, leading him down hallways that brought back the sensation of a hand in his, guiding him. The choir room. Part of Kurt wanted to go inside, but he could hear Blaine speaking, and something made him afraid that if he went in, he would stop what he was doing. He would give anything to hear him sing again, and so he his out of sight.

"A while ago, it came to my attention that I am in love. Not an easy love by any stretch of the imagination, or a romantic love, or even a necessarily reciprocated love, though I am hopeful. It many not be a love that is ever possible, and part of me fears that it is a love that would harm its object more than comfort, if it's existence was known. But none of that matters, because it is true, and deep, and so warm in my chest every time I look at him. Looking at him is like seeing the most beautiful sunset for the first time, or walking through an impossible dream. The song I would like to sing to you today is one that I wrote last night, after a dream I had, lying by his side. I would appreciate it if you would allow this, though it is not our usual custom to sing original songs. He's special.

 _There's a moment, a sun's dark ray._

 _where it's hard to tell the night from day._

 _There's a moment in your eyes_

 _I'm not sure if I'll burn or crystallise_

 _So close, impossible to touch,_

 _So little, but reality's too much._

 _In between navy and cream,_

 _Can I let you slip inside my dream?_

 _In this in between_

 _Will you lie with me?_

 _In this indigo dream,_

 _Would you die with me?_

 _Lie underneath the dark bruised skies_

 _Sunset highway, Sky blue high_

 _I don't know if I'm even alive,_

 _Swimming deep in bruised, blue eyes._

 _Intangible, unsalvageable, empty._

 _A memory, a lie that won't ever be._

 _Something shared only with you in my mind,_

 _A fantasy so simple and yet so hard to find._

 _In this in between_

 _Will you lie with me?_

 _In this indigo dream,_

 _Would you die with me?_

 _Lie underneath the dark bruised skies_

 _Sunset highway, Sky blue high_

 _I don't know if I'm even alive,_

 _Swimming deep in bruised, blue eyes._

 _Black and blue Sky- the scars of tomorrow_

 _A day in the life of a night of sorrow._

 _The flowing ground between our backs,_

 _Your shattered eyes take a different track_

 _And it's over."_

When it was over, Kurt realised that he had been crying. The song left him almost paralysed, it was so haunting, he couldn't believe he had made Blaine feel that way. He was shocked, when Blaine turned and saw him, seeing his face streaked with tears and all of his pain to clear.

"Kurt?" Blaine took a step towards him.

"Do I make you feel that sad, Blaine?" Blaine rushed forward, pulling him into a tight embrace. All of a sudden, Kurt broke down, violent sobs moving his body and making his knees go weak. Blaine sank to the floor with him, smoothing the back of his head and trying to help him steady his breathing.

"You aren't crying about the song are you Kurt?" After a moment, Kurt shook his head.

"I love the song, it was beautiful. I... I just had a meeting with your headmaster. I can't transfer Blaine." Kurt heard the breath catch in Blaine's throat and felt his arms pulling him closer.

"Oh god, Kurt, I'm sorry. Shhhh, it's going to be okay, you're going to be okay." Blaine tried desperately to reassure the boy in his arms, but he was terrified himself, and it did nothing to stop his shaking, though the tears had stopped.

"You know what, you're going to come home with me and meet my family tonight, and we're going to have some food, and for one night, we are going to forget about all of this, okay?" Kurt hesitated a moment, and then he nodded. They both got up from the floor of the corridor, and Blaine glanced back into the choir room, where he saw Wes mouthing the words "is he okay?" and Sebastian looking honestly concerned. He didn't have time for either of them, he needed Kurt out of that building.

When they were in the car, Kurt was finally calm again, and Blaine plucked up the courage to ask.

"So Kurt, you didn't have to tell me if you don't want to, but why couldn't you transfer?" Kurt's head dipped in shame and Blaine instantly told him it was okay, that he didn't need to say. Then he reached over and took Kurt's hand with the one that wasn't clutching the steering wheel. As much as he wished this action could take away all the hatred in his mind, it didn't block out the voice of the headmaster informing him and his father that " _Daisy, this is a boy's school, I simply cannot admit you without any sort of legal alteration to your gender or medical transition. You aren't even out as transgender to all of your family. I truly am sorry, but I can't help you_."

Sooner than Kurt expected the drive was over and he was stepping out of the car. He suspected he might be slightly in shock. He mentally shook himself, bringing back his reliable walls of sarcasm and irritability. As they approached the door, Blaine stopped him and looked him dead in the eye.

"Kurt, try not to snap at them or you know, steal any of my dad's cigars, okay?" Kurt looked at him with mock offence.

"My gosh, Anderson! Who do you think I am? One of the skanks?!" Blaine rolled his eyes at him and refrained from smiling.

"Fair point. Don't worry Blaine, I'll behave." They walked into the house and were greeted by a kind looking women who held out a hand without blinking. Kurt took it and smiled politely, introducing himself without an inch of his usual sarcasm. She told them that Blaine's father was away for a few days, but that she would order pizza (since he was the best chef.) suddenly a wave of nausea hit Kurt and he couldn't the word from slipping out of his mouth in a quiet stutter.

"N, no." They both looked at him, affronted, before he regained himself.

"I mean, I don't like to boast but I'm am excellent cook, I could make something quickly, you know... If you wanted? There's no need to order out." He looked down in embarrassment but Blaine let out a quiet laugh next to him and he let himself feel relieved.

"Oh, of course! I forgot how you feel about fast food!" Kurt looked slightly surprised that Blaine had managed to figure any of his eating habits, seeing that he never ate, but he took it as a blessing.

"Oh that sounds wonderful Kurt! Now Blaine, I know for a fact that you have work that you should have probably done a week ago, so why don't Kurt and I make some food and take the opportunity to get to know each other?" Blaine agreed and headed sulkily upstairs while Kurt headed towards the fridge to look at the ingredients. Finally he had something to take his mind off everything.

"How do you feel about Italian Mrs Anderson? Maybe Fettuccine Alfredo? And a simple salad?" She nodded and smiled at his enthusiasm while he got the ingredients out on the table. He found that they worked very amiably together, Kurt would offer gentle guidance every once in a while, but they mainly talked about other things.

"So Kurt, are you considering becoming a chef?"

"Oh no, probably not! I just cook to take my mind off things sometimes. Mainly for my dad, he has to watch what he eats." She nodded, not probing with his father. That was one of the reasons he preferred adults to teenagers, they understood without needing to be arseholes about it or make a big deal.

"I was going to say, looking at your figure I already kind of knew you didn't have much of a passion for food." She laughed softly, it was an innocent comment, but Kurt had to force a strained smile. It always concerned him when he knew somebody was looking at his figure.

"So what was it that made you decide to name your son Blaine? As much as it's very chic, I've gotta admit it's a tad peculiar." She laughed again this time and it made Kurt smile at the obvious warmth in her eyes when he talked about Blaine.

"Well if I'm honest, it's kind of a funny story, but you can't ever tell him this! Before he was born, his father and I weren't sure what to call him... I wanted to call him Ringo after the Beatles drummer, and he wanted to call him Bolan, after Marc, so we decided to scrap both and start from scratch with books of kids' names. He started at the end of the alphabet and worked towards the middle and I started at the beginning and did the same. I managed to convince him to go for Blaine because I said it meant valour and honour and was found in ancient text about the lost city of Atlantis! He actually fell for it!" They both laughed at that and Kurt moved closer, intrigued.

"So what does it actually mean?" She put her hand to her mouth in mock whisper.

"Yellow... It's my favourite colour! It's Celtic!" He laughed so hard at that he almost cried, it was going to be so hard not to tell Blaine that he literally was called Yellow. When he regained his composure he got back to mixing the salad dressing.

"Okay! So we just need to finish the salad and take out the food in Twenty minutes!" Without thinking, he rolled up his shirt sleeved to toss the salad, but when he looked down, he saw the forgotten lattice of open cuts on his arm. He was going to pull down his sleeve but a hand stopped him. It was too late, she had seen. Slowly he looked up into her eyes, fear shining out from his own.

"Please. Don't tell Blaine." She hesitated for a moment before nodding in agreement. Quietly she asked him to follow her and led him to the bathroom where she sat him down on the lid of the toilet and silently proceeded to clean and bandage his cuts.

"You just need to give these a chance to heal before they get infected." He nodded weakly, not able to meet her eyes again. Her hands were kind, treating the cuts without unnecessary pain, dressing them in soft cotton.

"So, since I already know more about you than I should, can I ask you something?" Kurt considered her, and to his surprise, nodded in agreement.

"Are you in love with my son?" Kurt smiled at this, feeling as though the sun had bled into his heart at the mention of Blaine.

"I am, I am completely, helplessly in love with your son. He makes me feel like there's light in this world, which I haven't felt in a long time. He makes me remember what it is to be alive, seeing him is like waking up after an endless sleep underwater. Though that might be because I'm usually sober when I'm around him... No, I think it's love." She finished the bandage and pulled down his shirt sleeve.

"In that case, I want you to promise me that you'll never hurt yourself like this again. Because if you do, all of your pain, will be reflected doubly on him, and I don't think I could bear watching that." Kurt nodded slowly, solemnly.

"If it means I can be with your son, if it means saving him pain, then of course. Never again." For him, anything." When he stood, he saw Blaine leaning in the doorway, holding out a hand to him. Kurt, surprised, reached out for it.

"Kurt, it means everything, and when you're ready, it means forever."

 **Okayyy... Yes they were sweeter than normal! What did you think of the song, too LSD-esque? Let me know what you think of the story... It is far from over! The angst will return, I just thought it would be nice for them to have some time to love each other...**

 **Hope you like it!**

 **Mikhail xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay... So this next chapter isn't my favourite... But I really love the songs in it... Hope you enjoy anyway! Hope to have a better one up soon! Review if you have the chance :)**

 **CW: a Drugs, Alcohol (a bit), mentions of disordered eating.**

Kurt walked swiftly through the halls of McKinley, thinking that he would give anything to have his hip flask back, but Burt had found and confiscated that after the incidents of the past week. He had also promised himself that he would smoke less, because he didn't want to always smell awful around Blaine, and of course he still had the vial that Sebastian gave him. In short- he couldn't escape the corridors by transferring, and he had run out of distractions, so it looked like he was just going to have to face up to his life. When he arrived opened his locker, he became so engrossed in rearranging his system of books that he didn't notice the person who had walked over and leant against the locker on the other side of the door. That was, or course, until he slammed it shut.

"Blaine! What are you doing here!" Blaine just grinned and him. His smile was so beautiful that it stunned Kurt a little, leaving him oddly breathless.

"Well, I sort of... Got into a disagreement at Dalton. They didn't stand up to my expectations anymore. See, I was pretty pissed off that they were making you stay here after... Everything. I told them that it was a matter of you coming to Dalton or me leaving. The headmaster informed me that they really couldn't accept you and asked me to stop my crusade and stay in school because my threats wouldn't change anything... And then he suspended me for a few days for flipping a chair earlier in the meeting." Kurt stared at him in disbelief, then he found he was unmake to stop himself giggling and put a hand to his mouth.

"Blaine Anderson flipped a chair in his headmaster's office. I do believe I'm having a bad effect on you!" Blaine smiled and looked down shyly.

"Well actually Kurt... He isn't my headmaster anymore. After he had finished disciplining me I told him not to expect me back." Kurt's grin dropped from his face. He suddenly felt anger at how swiftly Blaine had give up an opportunity he would have died for.

"No. You have to go back. You can't just drop out of high school." Blaine's blush was evident even on his lowered face.

"I'm not dropping out. I just enrolled somewhere else. Here, actually." When he looked up, he saw that Kurt's eyes had blown wide. He raised a shaken hand to his mouth, a tear slipping down his face. He paused for a moment before rushing into Blaine's arms.

"I didn't want you to face this alone Kurt. I couldn't let you." They held each other tightly, eyes glued tightly, which isn't always the best idea when you're gay in an Ohio high school. The slushie hit them both at the same time, dripping down their backs and sticking in their hair. Blaine, who had never experienced this before, freaked out, but Kurt is it calmly grabbed something from his locker and tugged him into the boy's bathroom. Blaine was amazed by how gentle he was, with his leather jacket and rough eyeliner, softly dabbing at his face with a warm towel, removing the coloured ice from his body.

"Are you sure you're ready to do this? Now that you've been seen with me, well... Blaine I'm scared. I don't want you to get hurt. I'm used to it, I can take it, but you're not used to this. You still bruise easily and I don't want them to pick you out as a target because I... I really... You see you..." He knew he was rambling, and all he wanted was to be shut up. What he didn't expect was to be silenced by a slow, almost non existent brush of Blaine's lips on his.

"Kurt. I'm better than I've ever been, and I want them to see me with you." Kurt nodded slightly, in shock and a little bit in love with the boy in front of him. But the proximity of Blaine's body to his suddenly reminded him of all the reasons he had been afraid of getting too close, all the reasons he had been drinking and pushing people away, and he pulled back swiftly.

"Blaine honey, you're sweet, honestly. But you should know better." Blaine's eyes clouded over with confusion.

"Wh, what? Kurt what do you mean?" Kurt laughed and tried to stop his eyes from showing any pain. He knew what he needed to do, to cut off Blaine completely before he found out the truth. Kurt didn't think he could take being there for that. Before he could stop himself, he pulled Blaine forward by his bow tie, kissing him hard and using Blaine's distraction to slip his hands into Blaine's back pockets, where he found Sebastian's vial. Blaine locked his arms around Kurt's waist and he let himself be pulled closer towards him, moving his mouth away and down to his neck. When he broke away, he knew that Blaine would look in the mirror later to see a small mark, the last thing that Kurt would ever give him. He smiled at Blaine's dazed look, holding up the vial with a smug gesture and waltzing out of the room.

All through the kiss, which was more an act than anything else, and his cocky exchange with Blaine, he had been holding in tears. As he exited the bathroom he put his hand to his mouth, trying not to see anyone see his face before he got outside. He checked no one was around and then tipped a little of the contents of the vial onto his finger before holding it to his nose and inhaling. The sensation burned a little, he honestly didn't know why he did it- his first instinct had been to light a cigarette, only he didn't have any. After taking a few moments to calm his breathing and repair his eyeliner, he walked back towards the bleachers.

When he got there, he found Quinn sitting alone, looking out across the field with a cig dangling in her hand. She looked up at him as he sat next to her, noticed his shaking hand and wide eyes, and her glance turned to a glare.

"Seriously Kurt?" He shrugged and took a cigarette from the pack in her pocket and lighting it, inhaling deeply.

"Not now Fabray." She looked away from him, focussing on her phone, clearly not wanting to push it any more than she already had recently.

"Apparently we're needed in the auditorium- new member just auditioned and got accepted." Kurt rolled his eyes and let out a groan, knowing who it would be. Ignoring the incredulous look from Quinn, he stood, stubbing out the cigarette on the heel of his boot. She followed suit, handing him her flask (from which they both drank a few mouthfuls) before they both headed inside.

Kurt wasn't wrong. Blaine was sat on one of the seats of the auditorium, surrounded by exited chatter that muted instantly when everyone saw Kurt.

"Hope you don't mind if we crash the party." Rachel glared at him, clearly not liking the slight slur in his voice. He wasn't really drunk, he actually just felt drained of energy, as if his limbs had been cut open and filled with sand, his insides hollow and his bones aching.

"Isn't that what you do? Kurt? Crash? Party?" Kurt walked towards her and she took a step back. He laughed lightly and took to the platform. He knew that even under the influence of drugs, alcohol, lack of sleep and almost no sustenance he could still command a stage, and he planned to take advantage of that.

"Look, darlings, I'm not here to rain on your parade. I just thought that since I missed the audition, the least I could do was provide an official welcome." Blaine stared at him, disgust showing in the downward slant of his mouth.

"This is for you sweet cheeks." He winked at Blaine and noticed whispering between a few of the Glee club members. As the guitar started, he grabbed the microphone, rocking forwards and back with the stand and lowering his gaze to get into the throb of the song.

" _Gimme danger, little stranger_

 _And I'll give you a piece_

 _Gimme danger, little stranger_

 _And I'll feel your disease_

 _There's nothing in my dreams_

 _Just some ugly memories_

 _Kiss me like the ocean breeze_

 _(hey!)"_

Blaine was sat calmly in his seat, legs and arms crossed, eyes cold. Kurt decided to step it up a notch, swinging his leg over the mic stand and moving with it slowly.

" _Now if you will be my lover_

 _I will shiver insane_

 _But if you can be my master_

 _I will do anything_

 _There's nothing left to life_

 _But a pair glassy eyes_

 _Raze my feelings one more time_

 _(yeah!)_

 _Find a little strip and find a little stranger_

 _Yeah you're gonna feel my hand_

 _I got a little angel, want a little danger_

 _Honey you're gonna feel my hand_

 _Swear you're gonna feel my hand_

 _Swear you're gonna feel my hand"_

Kurt knew he had Blaine hooked, his eyes desperately tried to avoid his, he was clearly uncomfortable, knowing that Kurt was focused on him. He took the mic from its stand and walked towards the front of the stage, dropping to his knees and letting himself loose control. His head was hazy, spinning, his voice was less his own, more a sound that screamed out of him like some animal being released after a life spent in prison. His hips moves back and forth with the rhythm of the song and he let his eyes fall closed, low moans coming from his mouth, forming words. He felt so weak he could no longer question his body's movement.

 _"Gimme danger_

 _Little stranger_

 _Gimme danger_

 _Little stranger_

 _Gimme danger_

 _Little stranger_

 _Gimme danger_

 _Little stranger_

 _Gimme danger_

 _Little stranger_

 _Can you feel me?_

 _You gotta feel me!_

 _You gotta feel this_

 _Little stranger..."_

The last few words came out as quiet, breathy sounds. He could feel his body collapsing into itself, unable to open his eyes. He knew that the song was open, and he thought he could feel the floor of the stage cold against his cheek and side, but he no longer had the energy to lift his head.

Blaine ran forward and climbed onto the stage, panic rushing through him.

"Kurt? Kurt wake up!" He felt a presence next to him and watched as a tall, concerned boy lifted him into his arms. Finn.

"Oh god. He's lost so much weight." Blaine nodded numbly. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. The two of them, plus Mr Schue, took him to the nurse's office, where Blaine sat with him while Finn called Burt. Kurt's tired eyes forced themselves open, still a little delirious.

"Kurt, when was the last time you ate?" Kurt looked at him, soft eyes locking onto his.

"Friday, maybe." Blaine looked away, feeling a tear slip from his eye. He felt responsible, knowing he had watched him turn down food on so many occasions- even food he had cooked himself, at Blaine's house. How did he not see this coming?

"Blaine? Will you stay?" He nodded slowly and Kurt let his eyes flutter closed.

"Will you hold my hand?" Blaine nodded again, even though he couldn't see, and took his hand in both of his own. To his surprise, he began to sing, feeling the song flow from him without much effort.

 _"I walked across an empty land_

 _I knew the pathway like the back of my hand_

 _I felt the earth beneath my feet_

 _Sat by the river and it made me complete_

 _Oh simple thing where have you gone?_

 _I'm getting old and I need something to rely on_

 _So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

 _I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_

 _I came across a fallen tree_

 _I felt the branches of it looking at me_

 _Is this the place we used to love?_

 _Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?_

 _Oh simple thing where have you gone?_

 _I'm getting old and I need something to rely on_

 _So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

 _I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_

 _And if you have a minute why don't we go_

 _Talk about it somewhere only we know?_

 _This could be the end of everything_

 _So why don't we go_

 _Somewhere only we know?_

 _Somewhere only we know?_

 _Oh simple thing where have you gone?_

 _I'm getting old and I need something to rely on_

 _So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

 _I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_

 _And if you have a minute why don't we go_

 _Talk about it somewhere only we know?_

 _This could be the end of everything_

 _So why don't we go?_

 _So why don't we go?_

 _This could be the end of everything_

 _So why don't we go_

 _Somewhere only we know?_

 _Somewhere only we know?_

 _Somewhere only we know."_

 **So... There you have it... Kurt's okay don't worry! But Blaine's at McKinley now... Is Kurt going to keep his past a secret? Or is he going to finally learn how to trust Blaine? Next chapter will be up soon!**

 **Mikhail xox**


	8. Chapter 8

**So... Next chapter! This one is quite Klainey... With a dose of Furt because I seriously love them! I hope that you're enjoying the story so far, I'd love to reassure you for the future but no spoilers! Let me know what you think, good or bad, in a review :) Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, all the property of FoX and the respective artists, list will come at end of fic.**

 **CW: disordered eating, gender Dysphoria**

Kurt sat on his bed, avoiding the gaze of his father, who stood in his doorway, arms folded. Truth be told, he was terrified of the conversation ahead of him. He was terrified of being forced into evening meals, taking lunches with him and eating with Finn at school, having his father watch his weight, force him to put it on. He was terrified of seeing himself gain pounds, his body gaining shape, not being able to see his ribs anymore, his thighs touching when he sat down. He heard his phone ringing, but he didn't answer it. He let it ring. Someone had reached down his throat and pulled his insides out through his mouth, leaving him hollow, aching, metallic taste in his mouth. Or that's what it felt like. Each ring came further from the next, attaching to the beating of his heavy heart, driving Kurt's mind in rapid circles. There were so many millions of images in his mind, flashing in repetitive cycles, slipping away too fast for him to latch on to any single one. He knew his eyes were staring at the duvet in front of him, but he was paralysed, it felt like the silence in between each ring was suffocating him. Suddenly the phone stopped ringing, replaced by his father's voice. All he could think was ' _oh god oh god oh god oh god.'_

 _"_ You know, Kurt, we're going to have to talk about this at some point." He knew Burt had walked away and he felt every part of his body sink down in relief. He closed his eyes, spending a few minutes concentrating on slowing down his breathing, which had started coming in fast, shallow pants. When he felt calm enough, he reached for his phone. He had one voicemail, it was from Blaine. Sighing, he plugged in his headphones and dialled to listen to it. Blaine didn't speak for a few seconds, breathing shakily on the other end.

"Kurt?" His voice cracked, higher than its usual pitched. He was crying.

"You know what I don't think you'll listen to anything I say, so I'll just sing.

 _Today,_

 _You were far away_

 _and I_

 _didn't ask you why.  
What could I say? _

_I was far away.  
You just walked away._

 _And I just watched you.  
What could I say?_

 _How close am I_

 _to losing you?  
Tonight,_

 _you just close your eyes.  
And I just watch you _

_slip away._

 _How close am I_

 _to losing you?_

 _Hey,_

 _are you awake?_

 _Yeah, I'm right here  
Well, can I ask you _

_about today?  
How close am I _

_to losing you?  
How close am I _

_to losing?_ "

Kurt sighed deeply, letting the tears wash down his face. Wherever Blaine was right now, he was crying too. His voice had sounded so hollow in the last few bars, so broken.

"Please, Kurt. Call me? We don't even have to talk. Please? I need you, Kurt. I need you."

The phone went dead and Kurt swiped his number to call.

"K-Kurt?" Kurt knew he was sobbing audibly. Blaine sounded so much like a lost child, making him hate everything he was about to say. He took a deep breath, ending his tears and steeling himself before he spoke.

"Blaine. Please don't do this. Please don't call anymore. I can't do this with you, I tried to make you not want me, but now I have to say it flat. I don't want this relationship with you, Blaine, and you don't really want to be with someone like me. I'm not nice, I'm not fun to be around, I'm not romantic or friendly or funny. I'm not attractive, I don't even smell nice. I'm rude and impulsive, I get drunk and sleep with strangers for drugs. I'm dirty, I'm mean, I'm cruel and sometimes violent. I'm not a risk worth taking. You wear bow ties and excessive amounts of hair gel. I bet you miss the Dalton uniform already, the order and the feeling of control that comes with it. You and me are not a good match, sweetheart. You're a better man than I deserve, and you're a better man than I want. If I stay with you, I will hurt you. So I'm leaving. I'm going to hang up and you aren't going to call me again. Goodbye, Blaine." He pulled the phone from his ear, hearing his name being cried desperately before he ended the call.

He shut his eyes tight and let his body shake with the sobs that came full force as soon as he hung up. His bed sagged slightly and he felt his brother's arms pulling him into his chest.

"I love him too much to let him love me, Finn. Why does everything have to hurt?" Finn moved further onto the bed and let Kurt cry into his shoulder for the good part of an hour, before pulling him to his feet and walking downstairs with him.

Carol was standing in the kitchen and looked taken aback when she saw Kurt's puffy eyes and Finn's soaked shirt, but smiled gently at them both.

"Hey, boys. Wanna take a seat and tell me what happened?" They both did and she started to make them both fresh coffee.

"Kurt just totally rejected his boyfriend because he doesn't think he's good enough or some bullshit." Next to him, Kurt gasped in indignation.

"Blaine is NOT my boyfriend!" Finn rolled his eyes.

"And THAT is the problem! You're like, heels over head in love with him." Kurt narrowed his eyes to glare, but the fact that they were bloodshot and damp made him look less threatening. Carol sighed, sitting across from them.

"It's head over heels, dear. And Kurt, why don't you think you're good enough?" Kurt's mouth flapped a little, unable to find any words. Quietly, Finn spoke for him.

"He's transgender, so he's scared he won't compare to other men. He's also anorexic, which says all that needs to be said about-"

"I'M NOT ANOREXIC!" Finn clamped a hand over his mouth and kept talking.

"-his self esteem. On top of that, all he ever does is either push him (and us) away, or get drunk and flirt outrageously. Plus he slept with some guy for drugs. Sorry, bro. Overheard your conversation. I don't think I've ever heard someone sound so arrogant and so self-deprecating at the same time. Huh! That was a pretty long word!" Kurt bit down on his finger and he removed his hand.

"I'm not anorexic! Seriously I'm not! I just like to watch what I eat! And I didn't have sex with him for drugs, that was an exaggeration. I had sex with him AND he gave me drugs. Not the same thing." Finn rolled his eyes.

"Did you pay for them?" Kurt stayed silent.

"You had sex with him for drugs."

"I did not!"

"You're basically a crack-whore." By this point Carol was fed up.

"Boys! Enough! Seriously you're going to turn my hair grey!" They both shut up and she looked at the, for a long time.

"Kurt, do you love him?" Kurt nodded.

"Then for god's sake get over yourself! You are not the only person in this relationship, Kurt. It goes both ways! It is not fair that you are just going to make all of this boy's decisions for him as far as you're concerned, just because you're afraid. It's not fair." Kurt's head dipped in shame, a fresh tear slipping down him cheek.

"Finn, I know you kids pretty well so I might as well ask. Just how likely is it that Blaine is going to spend tomorrow trying to win Kurt back with an emotionally revealing musical number?" Finn took a moment to consider.

"Oh I'd say about 120% giver or take." Kurt sighed in resignation, looking up as Burt walked in.

"What are you up to?" Finn chirped up merrily.

"Fixing Kurt's love life." Kurt's mouth dropped open in fury.

"Ooh, brilliant can I join in?" Carol laughed a little and went to check on whatever she had put in the oven.

"What is this? An intervention?" Carol walked back to he table, holding a small bowl of whatever she had just cooked.

"No, but this is." Kurt looked down in dread as she placed the lasagne in front of him.

"This used to be your favourite dish, I want you to try and eat it." Kurt looked up into her eyes, then into Finn's, and finally his father's. He saw a mix of emotions in all of their eyes, but each of them looked just as afraid as Kurt felt, and he knew that he had to do this for them, if he couldn't do it for himself. The first bite hurt to swallow, his throat feeling dry and unused, but he kept going, not letting himself cry. He managed half before he felt too sick to keep going, but they all looked content, and took the plate away. Burt put a hand on his shoulder.

"We all know this is not going to be easy, Kurt, but even if it's tiny, baby steps, we're all going to be here." Kurt nodded and followed Finn to their rooms to go to bed.

The next day, Kurt spent his first three lessons sunbathing with Quinn in a lonely corner of the playing field. Puck had (as some grand romantic gesture) stolen a bottle of champagne and given it to Quinn, so the two of them opted for laying back and passing it towards them, along with menthol cigarettes. The effect was quite pleasant. He almost felt decent and clean for a change. A little while after they had finished the bottle, Kurt was snapped out of a daydream by Quinn popping to her feet and holding out a hand.

"Come on, I have to show you something." Kurt looked up at her, darkened by his shades.

"Come on, Fabray, don't ruin my mood." She just rolled her eyes and grabbed his arm, dragging him to his feet and back towards the school building.

"Quinn. Why are we at the auditorium?" She grinned at him and he groaned, knowing exactly what was coming.

"Puck didn't steal the champagne did he?" When they walked inside, he saw the stage littered with purple and black tulips, a single spotlight centre stage. Blaine sat there, looking truly incredible. It was clear he hadn't slept well, and he had used some eyeliner to distract from the darkness around his eyes. Kurt knew the technique well. His hair was less gelled than usual, and he was wearing a simple black v-neck and black jeans. Kurt took a moment to make sure his face was strait, as he walked forward into the light. He took in the stool and the guitar, and realised his heart was aching to see him play, to hear his voice again. He sat down, alone (Quinn had left swiftly) and Blaine raised his eyes to look at Kurt. Blaine looked truly broken hearted, but he smiled anyway.

"Did you like the champagne? I figured you could use something to raise your mood." Kurt smiled despite himself and lowered his gaze for a second, feeling oddly nervous.

"It was lovely, but you should have been there to share it with me. Blaine, I..." Blaine cut him off quickly.

"No. Kurt, don't. I know you. I know that you're rude and impulsive and cruel and that you smoke too much and blah blah blah. Some of the time. But there are these moments, like just then, when you're gentle, and your eyes fill with this light. I think that light is the reason I love you. I know that your mind is dark, Kurt, and that sometimes it feels like there will never be any light again, but I'm not just going to leave you. I want to remind you of those moments when you're at your darkest, and you don't feel like you can save yourself. Because you're wrong Kurt. You're the best person to be around, you're funny and you're really fucking attractive. And if I ever hear you saw otherwise, Kurt, I might well get violent too. And above all, you're a risk worth taking Kurt. So I intend to be there, beside you, to hold your hand through all of this. I won't ask you to change, I won't try and force you to be someone you're not. I just want to love you. So, I'm going to sing for you, because if you really don't want me, this might be last chance I have.

 _Love of mine, some day you will die_

 _But I'll be close behind_

 _I'll follow you into the dark_

 _No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white_

 _Just our hands clasped so tight_

 _Waiting for the hint of a spark_

 _If Heaven and Hell decide_

 _That they both are satisfied_

 _Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs_

 _If there's no one beside you_

 _When your soul embarks_

 _Then I'll follow you into the dark_

 _In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule_

 _I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black_

 _And I held my tongue as she told me,_

 _"Son, fear is the heart of love."_

 _So I never went back_

 _If Heaven and Hell decide_

 _That they both are satisfied_

 _Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs_

 _If there's no one beside you_

 _When your soul embarks_

 _Then I'll follow you into the dark_

 _You and me have seen everything to see_

 _From Bangkok to Calgary_

 _And the soles of your shoes are all worn down_

 _The time for sleep is now_

 _It's nothing to cry about_

 _'Cause we'll hold each other soon_

 _In the blackest of rooms_

 _If Heaven and Hell decide_

 _That they both are satisfied_

 _Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs_

 _If there's no one beside you_

 _When your soul embarks_

 _Then I'll follow you into the dark_

 _Then I'll follow you into the dark"_

At some point during the song Kurt had started to cry again, and as soon as Blaine finished, he walked swiftly up onto the stage. He watched him stand and carefully put down his guitar,and then threw himself into his arms. They stood in the light of the stage for what felt lie, forever, and Blaine swayed them slowly from side to side, stroking Kurt's hair softly.

"It's going to be okay Kurt, you can beat this." But Kurt shook his head and pulled away, looking Blaine in the eyes and holding his face in his hands. The look in his eyes was pained and desperate, and it made Blaine's heart feel as though his veins were pumping lead.

"That's not why I'm crying, Blaine. I'm crying because I'm so in love with you, but I just can't be with you. I'm not ready for that. I'm not... I'm not okay Blaine, and right now, what I need more than anything in the world is a friend. But I can't ask you to be that for me, when I know how much it hurts." Blaine raised his hand to Kurt's cheek, using his thumb to wipe away a stray tear.

"I know, Kurt. I love you too, so much. Enough in fact, that I think I would give just about anything in the world to be your friend again. I just want to be able to see you smile again." Obligingly, Kurt gave him a sad smile, marred by tears, but one of the most honest he had given. He was truly happy to have Blaine close to him again.

After a few moments they walked over to the edge of the stage and sat down next to each other, Blaine picking up his guitar and strumming random chords. They laughed and jokes and sang for a little while, feeling more relaxed than either had in a very long time. Kurt rested his head on Blaine's shoulder and felt himself growing tired.

"Sleepy?" Kurt hummed softly, making Blaine smile, thinking of how sweet he was when he was dozy. Careful not to disturb him, he began to play again, one of his own songs. He usually would have played it on piano, but he would made do. He could still remember the day he wrote it. Kurt had just left his house after cooking an amazing meal, and for once, he had felt like he'd really managed to reach him through his millions of barriers. For the first time in what seemed like forever, he had sat down at the piano and the words flowed seamlessly from him.

" _I've been alone_

 _Surrounded by darkness_

 _I've seen how heartless_

 _The world can be_

 _I've seen you crying_

 _You felt like it's hopeless_

 _I'll always do my best_

 _To make you see_

 _Baby, you're not alone_

 _'Cause you're here with me_

 _And nothing's ever gonna bring us down_

 _'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you_

 _And you know it's true_

 _It don't matter what'll come to be_

 _Our love is all we need to make it through..._

 _Now I know it ain't easy_

 _But it ain't hard trying_

 _Everytime I see you smiling_

 _And I feel you so close to me..._

 _And you tell me:_

 _Baby, you're not alone_

 _'Cause you're here with me_

 _And nothing's ever gonna bring us down_

 _'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you_

 _And you know it's true_

 _It don't matter what'll come to be_

 _Our love is all we need to make it through..._

 _I still have trouble_

 _I trip and stumble_

 _Trying to make sense of things sometimes..._

 _I look for reasons_

 _But I don't need 'em_

 _All I need is to look in your eyes_

 _And I realize..._

 _Baby, I'm not alone_

 _'Cause you're here with me_

 _And nothing's ever gonna take us down_

 _'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you_

 _And you know it's true_

 _It don't matter what'll come to be_

 _Our love is all we need to make it through..._

 _Oh, 'cause you're here with me_

 _And nothing's ever gonna bring us down_

 _Cause nothing, nothing, nothing_

 _Can keep me from lovin' you_

 _And you know it's true_

 _It don't matter what'll come to be_

 _You know our love is all we need_

 _Our love is all we need_

 _To make it through..._ "

 **So... Next update soon! I always say that... I'm sure you're not hanging on too desperately ;D Review to let me know what you think! There's going to be a change of pattern soon, we will have some upbeat moments, social justice and some chapters that aren't so fricking angst heavy, I swear! Damn we need some time where Kurt doesn't cry! So sorry about that! Be back soon,**

 **Mikhail xox**


	9. Chapter 9

**So... This chapter is more fun than most, Kurt gets a leg up in life, with Blaine by his side! Of course... They are so sweet... I hope you enjoy it! Please review, I'd really like to know what you think I should work on :)**

 **CW: transphobia, bullying**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, show, concept, songs...**

When Kurt walked into his English lesson after lunch he saw that Miss Holliday was covering his class, he grinned at her, still dazed by Blaine's confession of love, and sat down in his usual seat.

"Hey Kurt, you seem chipper today! Anything I should know about? Are they handing out free cigarettes at reception?" She winked at him and he rolled his eyes, opening up his book. From across the room he saw a student giving him a weird look, but he passed it off as nothing more than surprise at him being in lesson.

"Sadly no, though that would be an excellent opportunity for business don't you think?" She laughed again, and pulled a curly wig out of her drawer, beginning to run her fingers through it.

"Ah, a man after my own heart." Again, that look. Holly seemed to notice it too, but seemed just as perplexed as he felt.

"Okay class, My name is Bob Dylan, I liked to sing about drugs in a time where it was basically impossible to do so, and today we're looking at Allegory! Kurt, could you give me a hand with this?" He grinned at her and walked up to the front of the class as she started the song.

( _Holly Holliday_ , **Kurt,** ** _Both_** )

 _"Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me_

 _I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to_

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand

Vanished from my hand

Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping

My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet

I have no one to meet

And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

 _ **Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me**_

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

 _Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship_

 **My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip**

My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels

To be wanderin'

 **I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade**

 _Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way_

 **I promise to go under it.**

 _ **Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me**_

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

 **Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind**

 **Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves**

The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach

 **Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow**

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free

Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands

 _With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves_

Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

 ** _Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me_**

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me

 _ **In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you."**_

After the song was finished, she gave him a hug and he returned to his seat, grin spread wide across his face.

"The talented Mr Kurt Hummel, everyone! I'm honestly quite relieved he joined me up there, I'm kind of writing this lesson plan on the spot and I could only remember half the lyrics." And again, that look. Oh. Oh. Holly must have seen his eyes blow wide and his smile drop, because she glanced around the room nervously before carrying on her "Bob Dylan" act, focussing on use of metaphor and euphemism. She didn't address Kurt again in the lesson, avoiding his eyes. "Mr." That was what had them staring. "He." "Kurt." He had missed so many English lessons he had never actually gotten around to coming out to them. They didn't know he was transgender. He felt frozen in his seat, eyes fixed on his paper. He wished in that moment that Holly had some actual work for him to do so that he could pretend not to notice the glares that were fixed on the back of his head. After the lesson, Holly asked him to stay back.

"Kurt, what was going on in there? Have I... Missed something?" Kurt sighed and gave her a gentle smile.

"You've not been around here for too long, it's not your fault. And... I guess Mr Schue didn't think it was his place to tell you. I mean, he's right, it's not. It's mine. I'm transgender, and some of the people at this school don't know that yet. They think my name is Daisy and that I'm probably a realllly masculine lesbian, but not confirmed." She nodded and then smiled.

"That's kind of funny, I'm sorry. Just... Daisy? Your parents called you Daisy? What were they thinking I doesn't suit you at all!" He laughed too and grabbed his bag, walking out. As he did, he felt strong hands shoving him hard into the doorframe. His knees buckled with the force of the impact and he found himself on his ass in the corridor, looking up at a snickering Karofsky.

"HEY! JERK! What's your problem?! Did your mom forget to pack a Twinkie for your lunch? Shove off and leave him alone!" Kurt struggled not to giggle, seeing Holly squaring off against Karofsky, but at least it worked. Dave backed away, looking pissed, and Kurt got up, dusting off his skinny jeans.

"Thanks Miss Holliday, I gotta get going to lesson." She nodded, watching him walk away down the corridor.

Layer that night she sat on the sofa with Will and told him of the day's events.

"I don't know... I just... I just want to see him show those arseholes that he's stronger than them, that he's not going to change." He nodded, handing her a beer.

"You're right, they need to learn. But all of this really has knocked his confidence. I don't know if he could find it in him to stand up like that. Maybe once, but not now. Perhaps... If you helped him..." She looked at him for a moment, thinking about what he would do for Kurt.

"I think I may have an idea." He looked back at her, then chuckled slightly.

"Firstly, is it legal? Secondly, will it get you fired?" For a second, she feigned offence, putting her beer down on the table.

"That's it! No sex for a month!" Will laughed at her, unperturbed.

"Are you going to be here in a month?" She considered for a moment, then took the beer out of his hand and put it on the table.

"You have a point... It would be an awful waste of time." And with that, the discussion ended.

The next morning, Holly found Kurt rinsing Slushie out of his hair in the sink.

"What are you doing in here? This is the guys'" rolling her eyes, she leant against the wall, watching him.

"I have a proposition for you. I don't like the way that dick treats you, and it needs to end. Are you interested?" Kurt stood up, zipping up his leather jacket to hide the stain and turning to face her.

"No offence, but no thank you, it would probably make it worse. I have to go and meet Blaine, he wanted to see how I decorate my locker for some reason. I think he wants to know if he's in it." She nodded, looking down, and he walked past her and out of the door.

He wasn't lying, he really did need to meet Blaine. They grinned when they saw each other and Blaine slipped his arm through Kurt's letting him lead the way. Blaine was so focussed on his proximity to the boy he loved that it made him stumble when he suddenly came to a stop. He looked at him to see a look of pure terror, like a deer in the headlights. Across his locker, the word "tranny" was scrawled in pink spray paint. Kurt raised a shaky hand to his mouth, eyes brimming with tears, and then he bolted from the building. Blaine moved instinctively, running after him and calling his name, the sound of the door slamming went through him like a bullet. He found Kurt standing outside, tears streaming, trying to light a cigarette.

"I can't believe how stupid I was! I thought that, because no one was beating me up, no one cared. Like some sort of progress had been made. But it's still the same." Blaine could feel his heart breaking, seeing Kurt's trembling fingers desperately trying to use his lighter. He slowly took his hands in his and lit it for him.

"It's just a stupid joke." He knew he words were meaningless but he had to speak.

"No, it's not. All that hate, and they were just afraid to say it out loud, so they did it by shitty graffiti. I'm one big, anonymous practical joke." Blaine pulled him into his arms, holding him close while he smoked, exhaling over his shoulder, letting the rhythm that it gave his breathing stop him from hyperventilating.

"So what do you want to do?" Kurt took a deep breath and pulled away, letting Blaine wipe away his tears and kiss his temple.

"I'm gonna show then that it doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back, they can't touch me." Blaine smiled and Kurt raised a hand, cupping his face and running a thumb along his cheek."

"They can't touch us, or what we have." Kurt wanted with every fibre of being to take a step forward and kiss him, but he knew that he needed to find a way to tell Blaine the truth before he could ask him to commit to that, so instead, he took his hand and walked inside with him to find Miss Holliday,

The next week, Blaine sat in the audience, preparing himself for another sickeningly dull assembly and wondering where his would-be-boyfriend would be, when Holly walked onto the stage of the auditorium wearing tight silver trousers and a black tank top, dragging a mic with her.

"So, hey. Most of you don't know me, but I'm one of the substitute teachers here at McKinley, and since this week is anti-bullying week, I thought that I could actually try and do something to teach you guys..." The whole school groaned, and then the curtains rose to show Kurt standing on a raised platform in a shiny, gold jacket and tight leather jeans. His hair was perfect and his eyeliner made him look like a god. Blaine's breath stuck in his throat and he knew his jaw had dropped open a little. He was even more surprised when he bent down to grab Holly and pull her up onto a platform beside him as she started to sing... A Pink song!

( **Kurt** , _Holly_ , _**Both**_ )

" _Can't keep me down_

Can't keep me down, down

Can't keep me down

I said you can't keep me down

You know you can't keep me down

 _I said you can't keep me down"_

As Holly sang, Kurt grinned, dancing around her in a way that made Blaine blush very deeply. Al, eyes were on him, and Blaine would have given anything to be the one dancing with him. When he started to sing, he saw Kurt direct his smirk at Karofsky, who looked mortified. Blaine grinned from where he sat.

" **Hey, hey, man! What's your problem?**

I see you tryin' to hurt me bad

Don't know what you're up against

Maybe you should reconsider

Come up with another plan

Cuz you know I'm not that kinda guy

That'll lay there and let you come first

 ** _You can push me out the window_**

I'll just get back up

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck

And I won't give a fuck

You can hang me like a slave

I'll go underground

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but

You can't keep me down, down, down, down

 _Can't keep me down, down_

Can't keep me down, down, down

Can't keep me down, down

 _Hey, hey, man! Are you ready for today?_

You got your shield and sword?

Cuz its time to play the games

You are beautiful

Even though your not for sure

Don't let him pull you by the shirt

You're gonna get your feelings hurt

 ** _You can push me out the window_**

I'll just get back up

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck

And I won't give a fuck

You can hang me like a slave

I'll go underground

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but

You can't keep me down, down, down, down

 **Everywhere that I go**

There's someone waitin' to chain me

Everything that I say

There's someone tryin' to short-change me

I am only this way

Because of what you have made me

And I'm not gonna break!

 _ **You can push me out the window**_

I'll just get back up

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck

And I won't give a fuck

You can hang me like a slave

I'll go underground

You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but

 _ **You can't keep me down, down, down, down"**_

At the end of the song, Blaine stood up, a grin splitting his face, he felt himself hello guys and clapping, overcome with pride, and saw Kurt blush with embarrassment. After a moment, the look on his face changed to awe, as almost the entire auditorium followed suit, whistling and applauding. A standing ovation. Blaine looked into Kurt's eyes from across the hall, letting a happy tear slip from his own. He held his hand to his heart and mouthed the words carefully.

"I am so proud of you." Kurt's smile was like the sun.

"Thank you, I love you."

"I love you too."

 **Yay! I hope you like it! Let me know either way :) the next chapter will be up as soon as possible... Will Kurt finally let Blaine in? Oh, the suspense... Sort of... Not my best writing on this one but...**

 **Mikhail xox**


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